The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un (Complete Series)

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The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un (Complete Series)

(driving techno beat) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Written and directed by Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Made by animators who voluntarily left their families ♪ ♪ And refused payment for the glory of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – Your show is the most popular show Everybody loves it There is only one thing wrong, oh glorious stallion of liberty (whoosh) The internet continues to spread lies about you, Supreme Leader They are jealous of your power and good looks and dancing abilities (driving techno beat) (transformation zings) (engines roar) – [Crowd] Spontaneous cheering! – We need to make the wall higher, Bruce Willis People are still trying to escape to North Korea Look, our most handsomest enemy Stop him! (zing) – I’m sorry, Obama, I can’t He’s too magnificent – Right Also he’s probably bulletproof – He is! It’s true (driving techno music) – Oh great irony! I make fun of Kim Jong Un’s body while I am the morbidly obese one Top doctors say his weight is ideal for his height and build! (crash) Ahh! I defecate myself in fear (lightsaber humming) Ah, you fight with the strength of one with many real friends who always laugh at your jokes His moonwalking is too good! Such a talented dancer! (slash) Thank you – American actress Veronica Mars! – The internet was holding me prisoner You saved me, Kim Jong Un, and my lady squirrel friend – We’re both your girlfriends now and want to kiss you – Without anybody telling us to – (echoing) I love you, son – Blow up! (explosion) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Real things that really happen to Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ The penalty for questioning this program’s accuracy ♪ ♪ Is death by scorpions so enjoy your mandatory viewing ♪ ♪ Of the Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – Missile test will commence in three, two, one (explosion) – The North Korean missiles are the best missiles There is only one problem, oh most glorious centaur of virility (whoosh) The rest of the world doesn’t believe it We blame your old enemy, western media (driving techno beat) (power zinging) (awesome guitar solo) – Today’s top story, Kim Jong Un’s juggling skills do not impress women. (laughs) – I don’t know how much longer I can print these filthy lies (crash) – [Both] Our liberator has arrived! – Ah, Law Goblin, attack! (power zinging) – He’s too strong! Retreat to the comment section (crashing blows) – It’s Avenger man, Robert Downey Jr He’s Kim Jong Un’s best friend – Uh, duh – KJ, my man, I brought you your own Iron Man armor (transformation zings) You need more power! Take this, my ally (video game leveling up sounds) – Please, be merciful I was just jealous His juggling so magnificent! – Those lessons weren’t a waste of time at all (explosion) – Print journalism is dying, dying, dead (8-bit music) – I actually brought you one more thing It’s from your dad (crunch)

Blow up! ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (rap beat) ♪ All the ladies love KJ ♪ ♪ His flow so fine ♪ ♪ Missing his show would be a crime ♪ ♪ Missing his show would be a crime ♪ ♪ The punishment is castration by donkey ♪ ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ – Today’s episode, Wedlock Ceremony Crisis Hour Gooooo! Finally, the two most perfect human beings will be joined in matrimony – Oh, Kim Jong Un, nothing could make me happier then marrying you of my own free will! – If there are any objections to these two being wed, speak now and face immediate execution – [Brad Pitt] We object – Bradley Pitt George S. Clooney Ryan Gosling Reynolds – I don’t care how handsome and well-endowed you are, Kim Jong Un, Bi Jo Soo will be our bride! – But, but, but there are three of you and only one of her – (laughs) In degenerate America, she can marry all three of us – And this baby goat, which is also gay! – Attack! (driving techno beat) He fights with the beauty of a cherry tree blossoming in winter, but not well enough Laser! – [Americans] No! – You fools, you’re attack has weakened the barrier wall All the women who desire Kim Jong Un for themselves are no longer restrained – [Women] If we can’t have Kim Jong Un, nobody can! – [Voiceover] Kim Jong Un suddenly remembered he was the orphan son of a dying alien race and his mere presence on this planet gave him the super ability to fly at great speeds – Ah, our deaths are the inevitable result of capitalist excess! – I’m, I’m dying, Kim Jong Un Please, so that we may be together, transfer my spirit into a robot that looks exactly like Anne Hathaway (massive laser zooming) My love, I’m alive Let us go play StarCraft, which I now agree is a worthwhile and masculine pursuit (explosion) (loud chewing) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ No theme song is ever good enough ♪ ♪ For Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Many singers have died at the hands of ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – [Man] Oh, God, he’s coming Please come help me, they’re holding me (gasps) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong ♪ (gunshot) (body thumps) – Today’s episode, A Great Deceit Revealed, And Many Wrongs Righted, or Psy-onora Suckers! (upbeat techno beat) – I love Gangnam Style! – Psy’s moves are so freshy swag, and certainly not stolen from any world leader/ noted gentleman adventurer – That’s incorrect, Jong Un – It’s Kim Jong Un’s handsome-copter The number one ace gift for all of true Korea’s children – Kim Jong Un, this ends now! (power zings) Ah! – Now is the time for explaining the origin of Kim Jong Un’s righteous fury Many years ago, Psy was a student of Kim Jong Un, learning the ways of dance and appealing pudginess Psy could not stand that Un would always be the better dancer and go kart driver So one night, he snuck into his master’s quarters, stole the sacred funk dragon, and used its power for personal gain and glory – Ah! (evil laughter) You can beat me in combat, Un, but can you beat me in dance? (upbeat techno) – Such beauty – If I watch their dancing any longer, my eyes will surely melt out of their sockets! – I don’t care! – Me neither! – The sheer power of their dance is tearing the universe apart – I’ll destroy all of existence before I bow to you, Kim Jong Un! (transformation zings) The Five Member Explosive Pulse Sensation Technique! I thought it was just a myth! (music builds) (powers down) – Not only did you defeat Psy, you saved the community center and brought these orphan’s parents back to life! – [Crowd] Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un! (epic guitar solo) (exploding) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (driving techno beat) – [Announcer] And Kim Jong Un

wins the Korea-ball Championship once again! Truly he’s the best of this sport invented in Korea then stolen by craven, uncreative westerners (whirring) – Kim Jong Un! I, Yao Ming, and also these aliens, challenge you to a ball game, except I’ll bring great shame to all of true Korea! Assemble your best players, and let the game begin! – [Narrator] Kim Jong Un, as shown in earlier episodes, can split into four equally powerful Kim Jong Uns This is now canon – And impressive trick, but you are still one player short – [Denzel] How about me? – Oh my goodness, Denzel Rodman, award-winning actor and Korea-ball player – Man, Kim Jong Un and I have been on so many crazy adventures together, I just had to help a brother out – So I guess there’s no spot for me on the team then, huh? (gunshot) – All right, buddy, let’s do this! – [Narrator] Kim Jong Un judged the animator’s depiction of his Korea-ball skills unsatisfactory Their deaths were swift and voluntary He decided, in his infinite wisdom, to animate the sequence himself – Let’s get ready to rumble! (ding) (Rodman sings Let’s Get Ready to Rumble) (spring bounces) (explosion) (raspberry) – Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un! – This isn’t over, Kim Jong Un Alien allies, to me! (zing!) Rawr! – Yo, Kim Jong Un, onto my shoulders! Just as your father would have carried you, was he not so busy with important state matters – This ball is charged with my undying affection for you! (slow motion roaring) – I searched both China and America, but the true Korea-ball master was here all along (explosion) – You win! That was one crazy adventure, huh? How about some ice cream? (two silenced gunshots) ♪ Another adventure has reached it’s end ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un is my best friend ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un is my best friend ♪ ♪ Oh God, please rescue me, somebody please. ♪ (wild rock music) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Written and directed by Kim Jong– ♪ – [Narrator] Tonight the Adventures of Kim Jong Un has been canceled Please enjoy this episode of Typical American High School ♪ Typical American high school ♪ ♪ Filled with heteronormative teens ♪ ♪ All kissing in a thousand corduroys ♪ ♪ Trying to figure out what it all means ♪ ♪ Typical American high school. ♪ – So then I realized this is the only line I have in this episode – Everyone, look It’s moody cool new kid, KJ1 He is such a dream boat – I heard he had to leave his own school because when he asked a girl to prom dance, every other female student threw themselves in front of the trains! He now must wear that dampening belt to keep his charisma levels below 500 at all times – I don’t think he’s that awesome My jacket of letters has five letters How many does his possess? Not as many I am sure Ah! That’s it, KJ1, I challenge you to a racing car race! Meet me at the corner of Street and Avenue tonight Then we will see who is top banana Only a grave disappointment to their father would not show up Ha ha ha ha! KJ will not show up Nothing can beat my Vin Diesel 7 (thunderous footsteps) (cheering) – Three, two, one! Race time go! – You’ll never beat me! I have made sure of that – [Both] Save us, KJ1 – There’s no way he can rescue them and win the race, unless (leveling up sounds) – Our eyes are stuck this way now! (rock music) – (laughs) I won, I– (crash) – KJ1, will you take us all to prom dance so our lives can continue unabated? (alternative rock song) I’m so happy with sexy, fun, American teens who don’t run major nation-states – Oh, the pressures of that job would truly be miserable

(splashes) (explosion) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – Today’s episode, Greatest Leader Nurtures His Nations Future, or Nuke Kids on the Block What a fine school Your graduation to execution rate is outstanding – Thank you, Metal Minister We are all so proud It will soon be destroyed to make way for a giant statue of Kim Jong Un – What, what, what, what? On whose authority? – Kim Jong Un’s! – Then it is a righteous and true decision The school must be destroyed Unless Paul Griffin of gentility, the United Nations holds their annual nuclear weapons contest Top prize is enough money to build the best statue ever Also the school can stay, probably All of us know that you love peace, but will you build a nuclear weapon if it means helping these children? – Can we please help, Mr. Un? Can we? ♪ Building a nuke to help his kids ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Kim Jong Un is the greatest there is ♪ ♪ This bomb’s going to be the metaphorical bomb ♪ ♪ Also the best literal bomb ♪ – Kim Jong Un is building a bomb He must be stopped! – I agree, Bruce Willis Only America and their friends must have bombs There is fair and makes sense – Also, I hate helping children – Yes, also that ♪ We’ve got kilotons of fun ♪ ♪ The bomb’s almost done ♪ ♪ Let’s execute the scientists ♪ ♪ And we’ll be number one ♪ (gunshots) – Our bomb will win It is extremely powerful, and 10 times the size of a typical American penis (crashing chord) – Oh, ha, ha Oh, that is rich I cannot believe that you were serious What a typically futile American effort Paul will now see that true Korea has built the best bomb (moos) What nefariousness has transpired here? (laughter) – The Koreans are so dumb They must have mistaken that animal for a thermonuclear weapon. (laughs) – Let this be a lesson to you, Kim Jong Un Your one puny bomb was no match for our American brainmight – Oh shit, we’ve only built one – The world will thank us for freeing them from your imperialism (explosion) (screaming) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ The Adventures of– ♪ – [Announcer] Okay, now is time for weekly summary of President Putin’s exploits for children of nation Monday Putin tames six black bear Tuesday Putin restores sight to blind man Wednesday Putin discovers blind man is deviant He feed to tame bears – Sir, I am so sorry They hacked our signal We will execute all children whose minds have been polluted by this filth A.S.A.P We have tracked the intrusive signal to Moscow (power zings) – Again? I already punched meteor back into space Kim Jong Un, most virile world leader What is meaning of this? You impugn my highly-rated, critically-acclaimed children’s program? Then fight is inevitable Superbowl Ring Punch! Also Bear! Oh, his smooth chest glows like precious gem in winter sun! Too bad I must destroy (yelling) – Stop! It was a ruse Putin did not hack into your broadcast But sadly, my simple robomind cannot figure out who did – Un, you are not just leader Also, world’s greatest playboy detective Can you solve mystery? (Middle Eastern music) – Sorry Assad, but we need your chemical weapons for our collection, so hand ’em over – You won’t get away with this My friend Vladimir will protect me! – Will he? Or is he too busy fighting Kim Jong Un because someone broadcast his show over Un’s – [Putin] Not a chance!

But how? I thought– – You could trick us into fighting? Please Kim Jong Un is too smart and unpimply for that – Hm, how ironic you preach liberty but would deprive a leader of the ultimate freedom, to do whatever he wants to his people – But I, you see, health care– (rock music) (gunshot) – Yippee yo ki yay, the good and noble succeed – But, but my, my chemical weapons – You are better without them Here, take Un’s loyalty manual It will teach you efficient, result-oriented execution techniques – Kim Jong Un, I know your charisma and comfort in crowded room has blessed you with many friend, but I would be proud to join their number (Russian music) (explosion) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – Today’s episode, Mortal Desires Run Ruinous, or Christ-Must Be Stopped! – I am special! Give me Xboxes and endless positive reinforcement! – Oh glorious leader, as true Korea’s handsomest medicine doctor, can you tell us why our child has turned ugly and self-indulgent? – I am sorry to say, but he tests positive for western decadence – (gasps) But how? We were so careful – Hm, wait, what is the date today? – It is, of course, Kim Jong Un Is Great at Handstands Day – All know that on this day, Kim Jong Un held a handstand for a world record of almost five seconds – So by the corrupt western calendar it is, gasp, December 24 You don’t think? – (evil distorted voice) Ho, ho, ho – Trying to corrupt the youth of true Korea again, Lord Satan Claus? – Thanks to me, the world’s children are all spoiled and ungrateful True Korea will be no exception Rudolph Lundgren, take them! (laser humming) – With pleasure, master (lightsabers crackling) – Please, spare me I know that there’s one gift you’ve always wanted that the great Kim Jong Il will never get for you Disney McMouse ears (ethereal Korean music) (child’s laughter) – Nice try, but Kim Jong Un has long since purged such childish weakness from his noble frame (lightsaber crackles) – Aaah! Satan Claus is still coming to town (rockets firing) (explosion) – Oh no, if these presents reach the children, they will be ruined They will want careers in the arts and protein in their diet (festive music) Huzzah! A very merry Kim Jong Un Is Great at Handstands Day to all! And to all a good night – And that is how, as midnight passed, that it because Kim Jong Un Is Also Pretty Good at Somersaults Day Our glorious leader saved us from materialism and needless desire – [Robotic Voice] Curfew violation! Curfew violation! Violators must be punished! – Truly, this is for our own good (ethereal Korean music) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ Today’s episode, Doubt From Within Weakens Us All, or The True Story of Minister Stupid Hat Rectum Face (video game music) – Kim Jong Un! Stop playing Pokemon You must be doing boring leader things with no discernible purpose – But Minister Ugly-Teeth-Feces-Breath, top scientists say electrosports sharpen glorious leader’s brilliant strategic mind – We do Also, we find his cake intake to be normal and healthy – And yet I still think these games childish frizzle-frazzle This is the first clue to my incompetence Your endless hours spent playing Pokemon will never help true Korea (thunderous explosions) What is that? Certainly nothing ironically proving me wrong – (laughs) Kim Jong Un! I, King Cyber Nerd, am tired of losing online Pokemon battles to you, so I have brought the fight into the real world! – Ah, my cowardice is revealed! – (bang)

This is truly the fate Minister Limp-Penis-Bad-At-His-Job deserves I was wrong to take your Pokemon game Now go, save your country Augh! (rock music) – Kim Jong Un chooses Bulbasaur in patriotic spirit – True Korea is only Korea (crash) – (laughs) I have defeated Kim Jong Un’s Pokemon Now as holy law dictates, I am the leader of true Korea – (laughs) So you might think, but by confronting Kim Jong Un in the real world, you have made one crucial mistake – Oh, really? And what would that be? – You have allowed Kim Jong Un to enter the game – Just like my paintings – Kim Jong Chu, powerblast! (explosion) What is that? You wish to stay in your Pokemon form for the nation’s safety? It is done Those who find it odd will be fed to the poor of other nations since there is no poverty in true Korea Or cannibalism ♪ I want to be like Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Where there ever was ♪ (explosion) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (epic fanfare) – Jennifer Huntress, which cute boy will you kiss? Me, Thor Jr.? – Or me, half formed fetal pig? – My answer is neither Another’s arrow has pierced my heart (arrows thunking) – And now he has pierced ours – He’s like Legolas with better cheekbones – Kim Jong Un, how are you so skilled at the Hunger– – [Censor] Does not exist – Games? – I will explain with a relevant and truthful flashback As a boy, Kim Jong Un entered the annual true Korea battle royale Even as Kim Jong Il’s son, the only advantage Un was given was a canteen of water, three matches, and a submachine gun (gun firing) Also, the other competitors were tied to trees He won 17 times – That story has done the impossible, made you more attractive to me Let us make furious love this instant – No! A Kim Jong Un J Law power couple would too powerful Internet nerds, attack! – [Both] She love us, not you! – Quick, take my golden acting man You deserve it more anyway (power zings) – I am so sorry I was just jealous After People Magazine called you Kim Jong Swoon (rock music) (Snow screams) – I saved myself for you (80’s action movie music) But still I know you kiss better than all men I look like a sexy X person sometimes I hope that is okay Now let us go for a lover’s jog Truly, you have found the Silver-Lined Playbook to my heart (gentle music) (mournful flute music) – It is late, sir Do you require a sleeping cake? – (robotic voice) Kim Jong Un, my son ♪ Kim Jong ♪ – [Narrator] Il – It is true, I was dead But then robot stuff happened and now here I am I, your father, have returned Pah! Weak and emotional as always Disgusting! Now show me my kingdom It’s worse than I expected You have completed none of my plans Great Satan America and false Korea remain unconquered Infant plastic surgery is far from universal Australia still stands in the way of my memorial centaur Squirrels continue to secretly mock us I know they do, don’t deny it There is only one clear course of action Kim Jong Un must die – But sir, consider his accomplishments His celebrity friends, his discovery of the female super-orgasm

– Meaningless When it comes to Kim Jongs, there can only be one – A Highlander quote, hm An inferior western film that failed to meet Kim Jong Il’s cinematic standards He would never reference it – (gravelly voice) Impostor! – You can speak, weird This cyborg was being controlled remotely I will hack it’s mainframe and discover from where Yes, hm, hacking, hacking, continuing to hack Aha! I have located the signal Shall we follow it to it’s source? (epic horns) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – Kim Jong Un, my son Australia still stands in the way of my memorial centaur! Kim Jong Un must die ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ – Whoever was controlling the cyborg is here, McMouseland Tokyo If we are to remain undetected, we must try to blend in – Donald Mallard, Gopher Wait, Donald doesn’t have a penis Oh, Kim Jong Un I should have known! – Another robot, with numbers for eyes Peculiar (explosion) – Ah, you’re awake Welcome, brother – Kim Jong Nam! – Yes, it is me, the forgotten eldest son of Kim Jong Il I was heir to the throne until I was caught sneaking into Tokyo Disneyland After my exile, I conquered this place and made it my kingdom After our father died, I ordered my Imagineers to make him a cyborg to hunt out and destroy you! It would have been a fitting end, but now I must kill you myself! (crash) (laughs) You can’t hurt me I spent the past decade absorbing all of western culture! (rock music) Look at you Deep down you don’t even want to win You want to live in a world that has melted cheese, internet deviants, and allows women to speak after dark! Give me control of true Korea, and you may live here, sipping water beers and watching fairy tunes – The Orb of Leadership! No, you can’t! – (laughs) But he can! And now I am, wait, what’s happening? – The pressures of leadership, responsibility for the world’s richest and healthiest country – It is working Brilliant plan, sir – How do you deal with this each day? (mournful flute music) – Hip, hip, hoorah The pressures and responsibilities of leadership are once again yours All is well Now, come, let us burn this park, bleach the earth, and construct a monument to your father It’s not Australia, but it’s a start ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong ♪ (ominous chord) (beep) – [Narrator] On 8 p.m. on True Korea Only Channel, it’s Rodman and Un, crime haters One is a handsome ladies’ man and the other overstates his fame to friends – I deserve this – [Narrator] Then at nine it’s Rodman and Un again but this time they fight vampires – Don’t worry, they can only hurt those who lie about being the world’s most famous basketball player – [Narrator] It’s a living nightmare Then at 9:37 it’s Rodman and Un, Handsome Suit Lawyers – Stop, my brilliant partner’s evidence will free that sexy lady! Meanwhile, I turned myself in for being a bad friend Truly, the greatest crime of all – [Narrator] Then at 10:19 it’s the same show, but we learned the lawyers are also doctors – Quickly, doctor, her heart has broken because a true friend made a commercial mocking her – Pistachios (kissing) – She is better, but she will never forgive the friend – Nor should she – [Narrator] Then, streaming on true Korea’s robust world-class internet, it’s Friends Kim Jong Un imported the finest Jews to create witty banter

– Kim Jong Un, how you going to date two sexy ladies at the same time? – [Narrator] He then fed the Jews to pit worms, and wrote it himself – Also, I am a worthless betrayer who can not actually introduce you to Macaulay Culkin – [Narrator] Buy the entire Rodman and Un collection on Betamax and receive the bonus movie, actual footage of a false friend being tortured – Okay, okay, look, (Un yelling in Korean) In some circles I am more famous than Jordan (punching and yelling)