Town Musicians of Bremen (Dingo Pictures) – Phelous

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Town Musicians of Bremen (Dingo Pictures) – Phelous

Phelous: What I hold here is one of the harder to find English dubs of a Dingo Pictures movie It’s an EastWest dub and it’s not on an EastWest DVD ♪ folk-style singing in German, accompanied by mediocre guitar and fiddle music with a drumbeat ♪ Looking at these two DVDs, you’d think they’d be of the same movie, but naaah! That’d make things too easy I picked up the EastWest DVD of “The Bremen Town Musicians,” expecting it to be the Dingo movie, but got surprised by it instead being a creepy live-action version of the story from 1959 Well, not being the Dingo movie, it is originally from Germany and it’s one of those movies that’s *technically* in color, but looks like it was colored by someone urinating on the film reel However, it didn’t always look this way It’s just that EastWest got what was probably one of the worst copies of this movie out there to put on their DVD (Man in donkey costume clops on stage, falls down with a groan and clunks) Man with German accent: Ooh, you clumsy donkey! You- um- uh- Donkey: (whimpers) So after this East/West DVD turned out not to be the Dingo Pictures version, I thought maybe there wasn’t actually an English version of the Dingo Pictures movie out there Until I found out some of the French DVDs actually have English as a language selection And the back of this DVD did have the Union Jack flag on there, indicating that it should have an English track But of course, I have been fooled before, as that German “Animal Soccer World” DVD said the same thing and then it didn’t have an English track on there I was also wary since this French DVD did have the same cover art as the EastWest DVD, which WASN’T Dingo, so I had to hope that this wouldn’t end up being a crappy live-action movie and instead would be another crappy Dingo movie But despite sharing the same cover art with something that wasn’t it, this French DVD was in fact the Dingo version of “The Bremen Town Musicians.” And speaking of reusing cover art, EastWest did that themselves by reusing the “Jamie The Little Pig” cover for some old Three Little Pigs cartoon Man: (whistling while strumming instrument) Wait, I thought I said I DIDN’T get live-action crap again! Instead I got my precious garbage animation from Germany! What is this?! Well, Dingo got… creative, I guess you could call it, with a couple of their narrator sections, and decided to go live-action with it So for the Bremen story, we have Georg Feils, who was one of the regular German voice actors in the Dingo toons, as the narrator And in “Camelot,” another Dingo regular – and most importantly, the German voice of Wabuu – Armin Drogat is narrating as Merlin But there we at least had the regular English Dingo voice actors (shaky old man voice) Doooooo yoooooooouuuuu knooow who I aaam? (BGM: cheerful string music) And here we of course have Georg Feils: (whistling while playing instrument) (sudden staticky dub-over by EastWest actor) Few famous colleagues of mine… they are… musician… in a city called Bremen Wow SEAMLESS That’s so bad it’s hard to believe it WASN’T done as a joke And yes, Unenthusiastic Dutchman and his child are back EastWest Man: Because you have nothing better to do EastWest Kid: But first I have to do what I like to do best. Eating Eating is what I like to do And this is BY FAR the best EastWest dub Why? Because they don’t repeat a short loop of a Dingo track over the whole thing! It’s just beautiful silence. And a little bit of background noise while they’re talking, AND I WILL TAKE IT Now it is kind of odd, though We’ve got an EastWest dub on a different company’s DVD However, I am pretty sure that this company that put out a bunch of Dingo movies in France – “Fun Kid’s,” in the possessive form for some reason – had some kind of relation to EastWest, as they tended to use a lot of the same art assets for their covers EastWest and Fun Kid’s could have been part of the same parent company, just named differently for these particular regions So I believe either as part of the same entity or in cooperation, these companies very cheaply had these dubs produced for them Possibly in-house in one of their branches Now, even though these covers use a lot of the same assets, I do find it kind of interesting that they’ve been modified slightly So on the Wabuu recreation of the “child murderer” scene cover, for some reason there’s a little… explosion behind the birds? And you’ll notice on the Bremen cover that the art looks stretched compared to the French one, and en française, this cover is sans the cat The cat who, on the EastWest cover, they very lazily chopped off its head and slid it down a little so the title could fit (dorky enthused voice) Horrendous dubs and super lazy picture edits! What DIDN’T EastWest do?

You can see on the back DVD cover how the cat was supposed to look And by the way, if you ever wanted to hear an EastWest dub in another language, [dorky voice again] this DVD has you covered! It’s the exact same people doing the French, and of course, the Dutch dubs on here (Georg Feils whistling, replaced again by Unenthusiastic Dutchman and his kid speaking in Dutch) Phelous: Though Unenthused Dad apparently couldn’t be bothered with the French Bremen dub (whistling scene AGAIN, then the kid from the Dutch dub speaking French in a high scratchy voice) (kid with very high-pitched voice speaking in French) I thought first maybe he didn’t want to regale the French audience with his mastery of their language like he did English, but he is on the French Wabuu dub! (Unenthused Dad speaking flatly in French, followed by the kid at the end) Phelous: And yes, the English track on here is the exact same one as the EastWest DVD But while we’re on the subject of French Wabuu DVDs, Wabuu is so cool in France, he got two dubs of his movie! They owed up his name on this one. Instead of just calling him “The Funny Little Animal,” they dubbed him “The King of the Forest!” Well, it did on the cover, anyway. On the title that they actually went to the effort to edit on this dub, he’s just “The Mischievous Raccoon.” Oh and speaking of effort, if you go to the German track on this DVD, they even fancied up the Wabuu title on there as well! It’s just so weird, really, that this exists And you want to talk about looking nothing like the actual movie covers! This later French Wabuu dub apparently came out in 2005 and was by RyM Musique There’s also a bumper on here of a crappy logo bouncing around a generic DVD bumper for “Kids Play.” But not in the possessive form, and it’s way worse looking than the other logo Are they the same Kids Play? I don’t know But what I do know is instead of starting partway into the German version of the song like on the EastWest DVD, here they actually went to the effort of making a new Wabuu song Yeah. Really (woman singing in French, sounding like she’s actually making an effort, with a decent backing track) You see why I’m dumbfounded that this exists? That song almost sounds too good for a Dingo movie (woman singing again, someone playing a stringed instrument) Voiceover: Sacre Wabuu! (happily) Sacre Wabuu indeed Anyway, as you’ve probably guessed, the actual dub is *slightly* better than the dynamic Dutch duo (Wabuu and Charlie talking in French, actually sounding like real voice actors) Wow. They actually tried. Amazing Anyway, I should probably get to talking about the actual Bremen movie now, right? It’s the German DVD Why wouldn’t I have that, right? But look, Wabuu does appear in Bremen a couple of times, so totally justified! So “The Town Musicians of Bremen” is a fairy tale and I don’t think it’s as widely known in English But it is pretty popular in Germany In the actual city of Bremen there is a statue of the animal musicians from the tale It’s a rather odd tale where some animals kind of have a midlife crisis, so they team up to form a band and then end up stopping some bank robbers and steal their stolen money They also… stand on top of each other Which is something which is barely featured in this movie Dutch Dad: On the Lüneburger Heide, not far from Bremen, was a beautiful old mill In the middle with the donkey (“Ali Baba” clip) Ah, stupid donkeys Dutch Dad: Earlier, yes, earlier (imitating voice) Yes. Earlier. It’s hard to believe, but sometimes events occur earlier Dutch Dad: When he brought sacks… with corn to the mill He brought… sex, wi-with WHAT? I barely know what to say to that! No wonder this dub was buried on a French DVD! Anyway, like most mills, it was converted into a theme park! So the donkey was kind of out of a job But it at least had idiots around gawking at it, like… Aladdin! And… Female Aladdin! Dutch Dad: “Look, a real donkey!” people said

Easy crowd, I guess Dutch Dad: The donkey had to stand right in front of the mill Georg Feils: (making donkey noises) Eee-ah! Eee-ah! Eee-ah! Phelous: Oh, I guess Unenthused Dutch Dad couldn’t make the donkey noise, so we had to cut back to the German track for that Anyway, these live-action segments are kind of extra ridiculous with this EastWest dubbing, as Georg Feils is clearly putting energy into his performance here And it clashes so bad with the voice of the man barely keeping himself awake Dutch Dad: He is a donkey after all. No supermodel, that old donkey Oh. The donkey excitement is over He’s no supermodel Dutch Dad: But in the first place, the donkey wasn’t an old donkey “But in the first place the donkey wasn’t at all donkey.” Are we sure this movie has an English dub? Dutch Dad: And everybody wanted him to say… “Eeaah! Eeaah! Eeaah!” Phelous: Hmm. Probably should’ve just stuck to using the original audio Anyway, the stupid tourists annoy the donkey so much it runs away from its theme park home, which is hilarious to Janis! And then we just get a bunch of random Dingo cameos like the sinister birds! Wuschel! Thudder! Sanic! Goldie! The Dingo Gophers! And most important of all — Wabuu Wabuu doesn’t have any lines in this movie, though. So zero out of ten! That’s not what that means Dutch kid actor as donkey: Who is gonna give me something to eat without working for it? Phelous: Oh, those damn donkeys are always looking for a free ride Donkey: I know! I’m going to make music myself You ARE music! Also, wouldn’t that technically be working for it, you dummy? Donkey: Right. I’m going to Bremer, and become a musician, and a singer Phelous: Wow, what a story. The donkey just decides to do this immediately out of nowhere But luckily, it kept a cello up its butt in case it ever realized it was really music the whole time! Also, if that’s not a cello, I don’t care (singing in German, string instrument playing) Phelous: You might recognize this German song if you haven’t tried to completely scrub “Animal Soccer World” from your mind, as they reused this song there Guess the Bremen Town Musicians were a one-hit wonder (singing again ) (music abruptly stops, annoying gophers and Wuschel laughing) Donkey: Hmm! Doesn’t sound bad at all Well, it sounded better than you do now. I’ll give you that Also, it was apparently hilarious, cause Dingo thinks everything is hilarious! Donkey: If I work hard a little bit more then I’m going to be the best Wabuu: ♪ Like no one ever was! ♪ Donkey: Ok, let’s go to Bremen! (stock Dingo music from the “Wabuu” infinite loop playing) Phelous: At this point, the video starts getting choppy on the DVD When, of course, if you look at other versions of this movie, it’s fine So the EastWest-slash-Fun Kid’s dubber computer was apparently trying to put itself out of its misery Dutch Dad: No cocks, no cows, no tractor sounds, nothing! Dog (played by another [gener ambigious] kid) You must be lost Donkey: Thank god! There IS someone home Dog: The early farm was very beautiful That’s not much… left. It’s… not… really a farm anymore An alternative couple from Bremen… bought it… and, uh, are restricting nets (inaudible) That is nothing left Donkey: Oh. And you feel like you are… too much here or not? Is this English anymore? Did I make up that this movie had an English track on it? (laughing frustratedly) Dog: How you know, well, it happened to me, too Dutch Dad: Started telling Well. That was super creepy Not sure if that was just him reading a script direction or what Dutch Dad: Started telling “Earlier, I was a watchdog.” Phelous: Uhh.. was this dialogue supposed to go over the dog or does this guy really think he was a watchdog earlier? Yes, earlier! Dutch Dad: “Everybody respected me.” Phelous: I doubt that Dutch Dad: “Is there nothing… you would like to do”, asked the donkey? (sound of kid talking in background) Yes! (mouth moving during a pause in dialogue) Yes, I used to hide (flat voice) It’s the quality control and mastery of their art that keeps me coming back to these Dutch Dad: I waited they got out… from the car and then… ruff! (silence) Grrrrrr!! Phelous: Pffft! So midway through that, Unenthused Dutch Dad realized he couldn’t do the bark, So they piped in Georg Feils’ bark noise, but out of sync Georg Feils: (speaking rapidly in German) Grrrrrr!! Dutch Dad: “It isn’t… that much… more fun in a dog’s home.” “Dog’s home?” Dog’s… home? Dog’s HOOOME It’s extra great having large parts of the story just narrated to us when the English dubbers are barely coherent!

Dog: M-ma ma ma… Ba ba ba ba ba ba Ahemhem Phelous: Ah, very good. The dog’s singing voice is German Wabuu’s voice (German Wabuu song playing) Dog: Please start (BGM: disco-style music begins in background) (drumbeats) Phelous: Oh. Were “please start” the magic words to make drums appear out of nowhere? It’s easy to be in a band when you can just make your instruments appear out of nowhere. (imitating dog’s voice) Please start! (banging drumsticks together) One, two, three ♪ Bremen, Bremen, Bremen stupid Dingo Bremen! ♪ ♪ Doot doo doo do do, doot doo doo do! Breeeemen! Stupid Dingo Breeemen! Please start! ♪ ♪ Please sta-aa-aart! ♪ By which I mean START TELLING (drumbeats end, dialogue in German) Phelous: Lovely. Now they aren’t even paying attention to when the songs have ended (guitar BGM starts, then suddenly fades to silence) (sound of page flipping) Dutch Dad: It’s a long way to Bremen (turns page noisily) (slowly) It sure is Dutch Dad: Suddenly the dog smelled something. “Poo!” he said I smell POO! (actor stifling laughter) Yes. Ahem (snickers) Okay, wow. I’m glad something finally got this guy to emote a little and of course it was talking about poo! Seriously, out of all the EastWest dubs, this is the one time we’ve really gotten something from this guy than the usual “dead inside” delivery, and it was because he broke a little over talking about poo! Wonderful Dutch Dad: There is… POOOO, there must be a farm! And indeed… (kid stifling laughter) when they arrived they saw… it was a real farm Pffft. I don’t think so This is just the stupid Janis pig farm again! Dutch Dad: And there was a… cock Dingo Pictures’ “Town Musicians of Bremen!” It’s got plenty of poo and cock! Dutch Dad: It was a real farm and there was a biiig pile of poooo. (kid stifles laughter) Phelous: (laughing) These two can’t stop laughing about poo Come on, be professional! It’s not funny! (snickering) Poo Dutch Dad: And on there, there was a real cock Donkey: But that’s impossible! (as goat): More like a beta cock, am I riiiight? Phelous: Anyway, the rooster’s had his mouth tied up because you know, the classic tale of neighbours moving in behind the farm and being annoyed at the crowing So a JUDGE decreed when the rooster was allowed to crow Oh, does that sound like something stupid I just made up? Dutch Dad: The cock crows in the morning, and if he didn’t… want that, then he should not build a house next to the farm He took his case to a judge. The judge decided that the cock would crow from 10 in the morning, till 12 in the afternoon Can’t believe it. No cock can handle that Dingo’s Bremen! More than a cock can handle Dog: Where is that man? You are bite him in his leg Donkey: And I will kick against his head Phelous: Ah, they’re gonna commit murder. Sounds good Donkey: The two of us. We are musicians (imitating Dutch kid): And we don’t need you cocking it up. Bye Donkey: We are going to Bremen. And there we are going… gonna be rich and famous with our music Man, more people should just plan to be rich and famous! Seems so obvious Dutch Dad: Fill a stomach. The (sudden total silence, except for a guitar sound when he isn’t even touching the strings.) Dutch Dad: Dog followed Smoooooth (delayed guitar chord) Dutch Dad: Exceptually Phelous: Ooooh! You just got– Anyway, this cock blows. So it sticks with the group Cat: Mee-ow Cat (played by second kid again, in a high voice): Over here, It’s cost… tech music, like in Berlin harmonica Donkey: Why are you whining then? Cat: We know everybody and the camping have to have… he’s on… TV and today playing with him And everybody… at the same time want Marco Borsato Another one, Pavarotti, and another… techno Helge Schneider! I feel like knowledge is leaving my head the longer I listen to this! Am I still speaking English? Do I know what English is anymore? (weird booing and hissing sounds) Cat: Music means something Other Animals: (both kids not quite in unision) Hmmm. Yeah. Hmm, yeah (sudden silence) (same clip again, slightly cropped) Phelous: Hmm, yeah. That Lucy cat still has a chunk missing out of her butt Dog: We’re going to Bremer, to be famous and earn a lot of money Donkey: And if we are a trio we can also be a quartet Cat: You’re the best musicians! Meeoooow! (playing violin) Wabuu: Yeeeah, that’s my girlfrieeend!

Harry: Realllyyyy? Lucy from “Nice Cats”: I can’t find my damned hairbrush! Wabuu: Ermm… never mind Dutch Dad: They had so much fun making mus… music Phelous: Yeah. Mus… music is probably the only thing to call that Dutch Dad: Most people didn’t pay appen– attention to it They looked… where the mishish– music came from. They looked where the music came from At this point I’d be surprised if they DIDN’T leave flubs and retakes in Dutch Dad: And when they saw the donkey, the cat, the dog, and a cock sing, the man said, “That’s… actually the band we are looking for.” (Back to the Future soundclip) You know that new sound you’re looking for? Well, listen to this! (animals singing folk song in German, guitar and tambourine playing in background) (Arrested Development soundclip) I’ve made a huge mistake Dutch Dad: It seems that the man and… the woman… were producers for Bremen Phelous: The city just has producers for it? Dutch Dad: If you want to be famous in the music world, you have to make a record Phelous: Luckily, of course, if you sing a song in the streets, record producers will just show up! So Mr. Crunchbone and evil-looking woman from Dingo Hercules are eager to sign random animals, who have only now just sung their first song together as a full band Cat: Are we going… to be MTV? Evil Woman (played by kid (or a woman?) talking in a nasal voice): But of course. We make sure you be on TV so much as you like I feel like this movie is gonna give people unrealistic expectations If anyone has actually ever watched it this far And I’m pretty sure very few people HAVE actually ever watched it in English But as it turns out, Crunchbone and wife were trying to sign these guys to a bad contract! And speaking of Crunchbone, I’m pretty sure some bones must have crunched in order for the dog’s leg to bend that way (sarcastic) Naahh, seems perfectly normal! Dog: The musician… get only 10% of the profit Donkey: Who gets the other 90%? Evil Woman: That’s, errrrrrrr, obvious Donkey: No! We are gonna make our own record (as evil woman): Grrrr! Outsmarted by people who can barely speak! I’m the worst! Dutch Dad: Making a record all by themselves Could they do that? (exaggerated voice) I don’t know! Dutch Dad: Right after the first curve, they saw a small house Cat (I think): Look through the window Donkey: Huh? ♪ disco music from “Nice Cats” ♪ Dog: There live robbers in this house Donkey: Real robbers! Phelous: Not very careful robbers if they leave their money and guns by an open window And they have apparently put their wanted poster up? Clearly this robbery was just a cry for attention Dog: A lot of money Cat: At least a hundred thousand euros Phelous: Oh! Euros So apparently this story is taking place in at least 1999, which is when any region actually started using the euro Which is kind of funny, as this movie originally came out in 1997, and of course in the original German audio, marks is the currency (cat whispering in German about a hundred thousand marks) But that does tell us that it was probably at least 1999 or even into the 2000s, when these horrid EastWest dubs got made Dog: If we had a… kind of money, we don’t have to rent a studio We can build… one….. ourselves Dutch Dad: They looked at each other The dog jumped at the donkey, the cat on the dog and the c– cock flew on the cat (SFX: police siren noises) Phelous: I didn’t realize when you made an animal tower, they made a siren sound Really learning something here Dutch Dad: There is the police! We are discovered! …the robbers shouted, and they ran through the… back door outside Really? We aren’t even gonna see the robbers? Lazy, Dingo. Lazy! The animal tower was originally how they scared the robbers away and stole their money But they were supposed to think they were some kind of creature, not the police And the robbers were supposed to come back during the night and get beaten and scared off by the Bremen Town Musicians AGAIN, but that’s all cut Also, originally in the story, the robbers were a bear, a lion, and a wolf Dingo has assets for all of these they could have used, but apparently the real reason for the live-action narrator was they wanted to animate as little as possible and couldn’t be bothered (dorky voice) Though random laughing animals, THAT’S important! Dutch Dad: First they start to count a money It was more than one hundred thousand juros… euros. It was TWO hundred thousand euros Phelous: Oh. Good. I was worried the animals wouldn’t get a large enough payday from their stolen loot Dutch Dad: Ha ha ha! (slowed way down) Haaaa haaaa haaaaaaaaaaa!! In Bremen they bought everything they needed for their own studio Phelous: I’m glad in this version the animals actually made it over to Bremen to start their music career

We know they’re gonna make it big too, since they get called in for big events like animals arguing over a soccer ball! Dog: We can stay and live here. It’s near Bremen! Phelous: Well, might as well continue stealing while you’re at it, I guess Cat: And we don’t need stupid producer! Phelous: No, you just need a lot of stupid produce! Those cats and their carrots and cauliflower! Donkey: And we shall… call ourselves the Bremer Musicians (total silence, no dialogue dubbed in) That was such a stunning name it apparently rendered everyone silent Dutch Dad: So did it! And…… they… (sudden silence) Became famous (more total silence) (as Dutch Dad) And… I lost… my voice. I just… don’t… care anymore Unless POOO! is involved. Ha ha!! POO!! Phelous: The movie closes out with the Bremen Town Musicians’ big concert! Which is just them playing in a black void with some circles and stars and stuff But I suppose it’s better than invisible robbers And there you go! One of the rare English Dingo dubs. I hope it’s all you ever wanted King MaGod: NOOOOO. It’s nooot (BGM: Dingo Dramatic Drum Music) START TELLING Wabuu: I didn’t even get a line in this stupid movie! YOU start telling! Phelous: We’re all going to start telling! FOR POOOO (laughing, with Dingo “cheerful” BGM) (sound of tires skidding, police siren) [“Oh Phelous 80’s Style” plays during credits] (cut off) …EastWest dub! I might be done with those forEVER! Unless I cover this pile of crap