Can You Beat Red Dead Redemption With Only A Cattleman Revolver?

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Can You Beat Red Dead Redemption With Only A Cattleman Revolver?

The 2010’s are coming to a close, and Red Dead Redemption is easily one of the best games of the decade with the world you can explore, the stories told, voice acting, gameplay, and pretty much everything. I’m out of clever segues. Can You Beat Red Dead Redemption With Only A Cattleman Revolver? Our story begins in the town of Blackwater where the hats, mustaches, and kids running around unsupervised make it clear that this is not a game set in modern times. We, I, us play as John B. Marston, The B stands for Beatrice, but I don’t like middle names so it’s just John Marston. The credits rolled, an old woman annoyed me with her face and her existence, and I met up with Jake, a tour guide hired to show me around the town. Unfortunately, a lot of the story is told through dialog spoken while riding horses to a destination I refuse to summarize what’s said during every trotting expedition. If you’re watching this for the story, I suggest you fuck off to some other video. I suggest you leave and go watch some other video Jake reminded me of my father when he abandoned me after we arrived at Fort Mercer, I did the typical sharpshooter cool guy nonsense of threatening Bill Williamson despite 3 rifles being pointed at me. If this was a low-budget indie movie I’d have killed all three of them and walked off with a witty comment But it’s not, and I took a bullet to the appendix, got rescued, and woke up in MacFarlane’s Ranch owned by, get this, the MacFarlane’s Bonnie told me that I owned her about $400 in today’s money for removing the bullet from my side. This is obviously fiction, you can’t even get a doctor to spit on you for $400 in America She showed me around the ranch, which has a General Store because this is the tutorial area so it needs to have a place to buy things, I tied my horse to a stick with the yarn I ripped off my belt, and we patrolled the ranch for rodents at night. I was given a rifle that I cannot remove from my inventory. It doesn’t matter too much now, I’ve still got the Cattleman Revolver that I can use and when you’re shooting rabbits it doesn’t matter how big the bullet is. Same goes for shooting coyotes. There’s also a fair bit of aim assist which makes the Revolver not completely worthless After sleeping in a bed, I explained to Bonnie why I’m after Bill Williamson, told her I ain’t no city slicker, and raced her around the ranch. We were neck-and-neck for a while but the longer the race went on the farther ahead I got. I won the race because, come on, she’s a woman. The world opened up a bit, I arrived Armadillo, met a Deputy who seems to be a little slow, and Marshal Johnson informed me that my problems are not his concern But this is a video game, so I made them his problem We tracked some hoodlum with a fancy hat to his hideout were I could face human enemies for the first time. I realized several hours into this run that a No Deadeye challenge might have been more interesting, but I chose this challenge because the Cattleman Revolver is the weakest revolver in the game and it was one of the most common suggestions for a Red Dead Redemption video. It can take several shots to kill someone unless you get a headshot, which is extraordinarily easy thanks to Deadeye It’s also easy without it at close range At a distance, it can become a problem I shot Walton in the kneecap as an homage to Bethesda blowing the legs out from beneath the Fallout series with Fallout 76, looted the nearby corpses, saved a treasure hunter, and rode back to town to buy more ammo and to sell the trash I’d picked up. The Bandolier caught my eye as it doubles my ammo capacity Pretty useful when you’re using what may be the worst weapon in the game. An even slower deputy interrupted my interrupting of Marshal Johnson to inform us that cattle are being stolen at Pike’s Basin. Story stuff happened, and combat got real. A whole bunch of Bollard Boys were going to the big cattle farm in the sky Without Deadeye, the Cattleman Revolver can be unpleasant to use when taking on groups of enemies from a distance, which is why it can sometimes be a good idea to let your NPC companions do most of the work. The cattle were saved, I spent longer than I should have trying to navigate my way out of the canyon, killed and skinned a few animals, and rescued Mister West Nile Virus Dickens. He was shot, which was why I wanted to be safe and take the quickest route to Armadillo. In other words, where we’re going, we don’t need roads. I don’t know what it was that finally finished him off. Maybe the bullets, maybe the pebbles in his shoe, either way he died The 2nd time I stuck to the road and he damn near keeled over by the time I got there In my adventures in rescuing damsels in distress, I’d found enough animal skins to buy myself a bandolier, and head back to Bonnie’s Farming and Mercantile Supply Store for more missionary More missions, I mean. She was asleep, so to pass the time I followed a dog around the ranch to look for critters. These two guys were fighting so I shot them both. The commotion stopped yet somehow I failed to stop any crime This is Armadillo, USA, the loading screen says. It was a happy accident that I happened to change into my suit before I drove miss Bonnie into town. I bought some medicine from the Doc, met Bonnie outside the General Store, and that mission was over I saved a woman who was being robbed and got shot twice in the chest in the process. The way his body spasmed after being shot let me know he really didn’t want to die. Thankfully he didn’t have a say in the matter. One of the many side-effects of this being a wild-west

game is that there is no fast travel. And that was the 2nd lie I’ve told in this video There is fast-travel, but it involves setting up a camp and because I’m dimmer than a shattered light bulb, I hardly used it. There’s a solid amount of time through this playthrough that is just riding to a destination to start a mission instead of just fast-traveling there There’s no point in mentioning it every time, so just know that it happens a lot Back at the ranch, Bonnie learned a thing or two about my past, and I decided to help her with the cows. I understand that you can’t have a successful game without cows, but man do I despise these cow herding missions. There’s nothing too complicated about it, I just don’t particularly enjoy it. Before I started the next mission in Armadillo, I looked at the list of main story missions to make sure I was doing the bare minimum. I got confused and thought this one with West Nile Virus wasn’t required, it turns out that all the missions that come from a letter on the map are required but I wouldn’t learn that until a little while later, which is why I immediately reloaded a prior save That put me back at the ranch. I tried to ride a stagecoach and accidentally stole it instead, reloaded a save once more, and rode to Armadillo proper like to accompany Marshal Johnson on a search for a group of Bandits Two camps had been bamboozled by these bandits who were holding hostages inside a house at a nearby ranch. The Cattleman Revolver is pretty capable when you’re only facing one or two bandits at a time in extremely close quarters, primary because of aim assist, which makes deadeye almost unnecessary The women were ungrateful for being rescued and we encountered Bill Williamson on the choo-choo tracks. They opened fire on us yet we somehow had enough time to take shelter in a collapsed building. At least 15 bandits were sent our way, but a headshot is more than enough to kill them with a single shot The only downside is that it can be a little difficult to land that headshot when they’re far away. Sometimes you think it’s the head when it’s really the upper chest or their hat or something. We captured good old Norman Deek, I looted the bodies, met Bonnie MacFarlane Sr. and went to break some horses. The mini game here is dead simple, I didn’t fail it once throughout this entire playthrough Once the horses were dropped off at the ranch, Bonnie and I went off to capture an entire family’s worth of horses. With that many horses we’d have enough glue to last a decade or more. The stallion ran off and took a while for me to catch because, and this is gonna blow your mind, horses are fast. Bonnie was kind enough to let me keep the stallion that I’d lured into position, chased after, caught, and broke. How nice of her There’s a storm rolling in and everyone knows cows melt when exposed to thunder, it’s a race against the clock to rescue all the cows since they are incapable of helping themselves Lightening struck and scattered them all I don’t care about this anymore. We rounded up the cattle and got them back to the ranch where Bonnie asked me to go with her to find her father. He got lucky. Had it not been for his mustache, he wouldn’t have survived the bandit ambush. I stopped to skin the horses, letting good skin go to waste is a crime against nature, Bonnie didn’t care, that bitch rode off without me and of course it was me who abandoned her. I didn’t skin them the 2nd time, we got back at the barnyard. To get inside the barn, you’ve got to do some platforming, because that’s what everyone wants in their Red Dead Redemption. After almost breaking my ankles when I skipped the ladder, I slapped some horse asses, jumped a burning log, and saved the day again In the time it took me to get from the MacFarlane’s ranch to Armadillo, Bonnie had been stolen by bandits. One of Norman’s friends wanted Norman freed in exchange for Bonnie’s life We rode fast and we rode far, all the way to Tumbleweed where the Bandits were camped out. They pranked us real good by killing Norman right in front of us. Poor Norman was probably traumatized from dying. I’m sure he’ll get over it. Fun fact: Bonnie hung for about 30 seconds before I was able to fight my way through all the Bandits in the camp and cut her down. She caught her breathe while I cleared out the camp and was perfectly fine which seemed… odd. I just sent dozens of souls to satan and saved her life and she has the audacity to be snarky towards me It was around this point I realized that West Nile’s mission was not optional and I still didn’t use Fast-travel to get there because agony is marvelous. Nigel’s mission for me was to drive him, his stagecoach, and his sugar cane, tobacco, and spices off to a land of new customers. I agreed to help him sell his faulty wares to a group of idiots. To prove their effectiveness, I shot a hat out of the air. That angered the owner of the hat and prompted him to begin throwing hands I’m no stranger to world of fighting, I know my way around a fist. I played it smart by blowing off his kneecap. Failed. The next time I tried losing the fight, which also isn’t an option. The third time I just killed out outright. The fourth time I tried to kill Nigel instead, but there are no workarounds I had to fight him with my fists which means that you cannot beat Red Dead Redemption with only a cattleman revolver. But I’m not gonna let that stop me Next, I shot the gun out of his hands, Nigel successfully scammed everyone, and I road to Coot’s Chapel to meet Seth, a friend of West Nile who has an affinity for robbing graves. This is step 2 in rounding up enough people and supplies to assault Force Mercer Seth needed to speak to Moses, a former companion who had a map Seth wanted. The game momentarily

broke here which was frightening. To distract the police, I stole one of their horses and rode off behind a boulder to hide. Moses tried to skedaddle but I have rope and wasn’t letting him get away. Seth scared Moses enough with his face and teeth to get Moses to cough up the location of the map and… other things Moses had played his part, so after the mission was over I put half a dozen bullets in his side and turned his intestines into gravy West Dicken’s job for me was to partake in a stagecoach race to earn some money. It took all of 15 seconds for me to get into 1st place, and that’s where I remained throughout the rest of the race. All 2.5 minutes of it Not very difficult. Another one of Nigel’s friends need to be recruited for the assault This one is named Irish. I rudely interrupted him being drowned. I should have came back another time, he looked busy, but I didn’t In fact, I did almost the exact opposite I killed friends and rode with Irish while he explained that he knew how to get his drunk hands on a machine gun. It’s in a cabin on the river being guarded by Bandits. Sorta The bandits were there but the machine gun wasn’t I found Irish back at the same place I found Seth a little while ago, he then directed us towards a minecraft where a machine gun is located. I took out the guards, and fought my way through all the bandits topside until I could enter the mineshaft with no witnesses There were a ridiculous number of Bandits down there, not that it was very difficult because you’re taking on 2-3 guys at the most in each area. Many of them carry revolver ammo, so running out of ammo isn’t an issue either. I found the machine gun, pushed it back through Mine Cart Carnage, exploded some absolute unit who was playing with a red barrel, and my work was done. I was going back across half the map for my next mission with Irish I stopped early and rode a stagecoach there Irish was harassing two nuns, as one does after doing a few shots I knew that he would not lead me astray this time, I wouldn’t let him. Shakey, not stirry, is one of Irish’s friends who is currently being tortured inside a building. Diplomacy is not my strong suit, I don’t even have a suit to begin with, so I parkoured my way to the top of the building, sorta failed at sneaking inside, I alerted someone, went the complete wrong way, killed Shakey’s captors as well as those who came to avenge his captors, played on the boxes, immediately lost track of which guy is Shakey and which is Irish, and drove the machine gun ammo to safety of the Ranch. While I was there, I went ahead and called in my War Horse kill-streak, then didn’t use it to get to Plainview. Nigel was nowhere to be found, so I stayed at the finest hotel in New Austin while I waited for morning The Virus tried to swindle a group of attractive gentlemen out of their cash. They didn’t take it very well, prompting them all to open fire on yours truly. As we escaped to the Honda Civic Center, an absurd amount of horses carried men towards their death. I went through more than 70 bullets on the way to our destination This was the closet I’ve come to running out of ammo so far. Luckily, the next mission was at that exact location and was another boring horse racing mission. This race was a lot closer than the first, but I still won without any problem. Real quick, I wanna mention that at some point during this playthrough, I saw a horse get exploded by a train. I don’t remember when it happened, but I’m gonna splice it in here While I was off racing horses, Seth was finding a bunch of dead bodies to defile. The map he’s after is supposed to be in one of them Ordinary citizens would not be pleased to learn of a freak searching the pockets of dead bodies for loot, so we took the long way around the city to his secluded spot He got his map and the treasure is nearby in the town of tumbleweed. I seemed to have a harder time killing the Bandits inside than I usually do, most likely do to me not aiming for the head. Seth’s treasure was a glass eye. That’s it. That stupid bitch got click-baited It doesn’t matter though, the time has come for the assault on Fort Mercer Myself, the Marshal, his deputies, West Nile Virus, Shakey, and I all gathered outside the fort and went over the plan. I hide in the box and pop out like the weasel to blast the Williamson guy to heck. It was here things took a turn for the worse. I popped out as planned, but my only option was to use the Machine Gun. You can’t not use it. I know this for a fact because I sat there for a solid 6 minutes not shooting at anyone and somehow not dying. The option is not there to have any options. You don’t proceed unless you annihilate everyone with the machine gun, so I mowed down everyone, blew up my allies, and we all fought through the fort together Then the reinforcements arrived and I had to use the machine gun again. We got not Bill Williamson. He fled to Mexico with Javier Escuella I returned to Armadillo to prepare to head out, then did, and met Irish to begin the journey to Mexico. We don’t have a boat, we have a couple pieces of wood stuck together with chewed gum and string. And we cut that string and drifted downriver to escape the bandits. I’ll tell you now, this was a goddamn nightmare. In theory this is not that difficult, just shoot the Bandits until you get to the destination. The problem is that there are a lot of them, like a lot a lot. You’re given a new rifle after you cut the rope and there’s a stash of ammo if you run out so this would normally not be too bad. But there is no revolver ammo so once you’re out, that’s it, you’re fucked. I know this because it happened to me several times. At first it was manageable, then I got a checkpoint

That’s good right? Nope, because I got that checkpoint with 8 bullets left and there were at least 15 enemies left to kill. At one point I got to the very end despite having no ammo and there were 2 guys there. I was defenseless, out of options, so I failed again. I had to rely heavily on deadeye to land headshots with every shot, there was no wiggle room to miss. Luck was also a factor as Irish had to kill his fair share of bandits without getting shot and dying. Finally I made it to the end with 1 shot left and… I cheated, sorta. I killed one guy with my last bullet and used the lasso to subdue the remaining bandit. The way I see it, I didn’t hurt him or kill him so it’s okay. Plus I already failed the challenge and I wasn’t starting that mission over again just to get more ammo to maybe succeed I looted one of the bodies, ended the hogtied feller, killed a horse because that horse belonged to the son of a shepherd, got my real horse back, and arrived in Chuparosa Some fuckheads tried to steal my hat, they’re dead now as they should be, met Landon Rickets who, based on the bottle shooting, is the Sunny Smiles of Red Dead Redemption Mexico Landon, what a dumb name, had me terrorize a family of squawkers by turning them into confetti. Together the two of us rescued someone from a group of bandits, escorted the stagecoach back to town, and began questioning the locals about Javier Escuella Landon, still hate that name, not as much as Sue but it’s up there. Landon and I rode the train to an area where we could ride our horsies to El Matadero to question a man named Carlos about someone named Louisa. Carl agreed to distract the guards while Rickety Cricket and I snuck into the stone hole. It took a minute for me to figure out the nothing was happening and that I needed to be closer to Landon, but once I got it, the guards left, we snuck inside, and more than a few people died. Upside is, I’ve finally got the proper Deadeye with the X’s that aired on Nickelodeon from November 25, 2005 to December 13, 2006 This place is like a prison or a hideaway or something. There were doors that had to be blasted open with dynamite but I was more curious about what was behind the door that wasn’t blasted open We escaped with horses Carlos left, the horse that was not mine and might have had a learning disability. The army of not America were waiting for us all along the path out of the canyon Video game logic dictates that the protagonist murders them all while making sarcastic comments With Carl’s stomach full of hands, I rode back to town on my horse and sat down for a game of poker. When I was little, maybe 7 or 8, my Dad played online poker a lot One day I asked him to teach me how to play He said no, so I employed his tactic by folding every time in-game. Somehow, by folding, I still managed to cheat and found myself in some sort of an encounter with people pointing their guns at each other in Mexico. It ended with a duel that I won. Then I killed some guy who had a hostage. Somehow I can’t help but feel that this entire situation is her fault The next mission with Landon was an exciting one, we rode horses to a location. Truly an incredible experience. We had to take out a wagon train holding prisoners. I died here, did better the next time, did the cinematic and climactic bridge explosion sequence, freed the prisoners, and that was the end of Landon Rickets. On my way to meet De Santa, I killed the police who were about to execute someone Then I killed their horses too because no witnesses and met Captain de Santa. I can’t tell if he’s jolly because of his name or in spite of it His mission for me was one of spectacles and grander. Defend a train from the rebel alliance wishing to restore Mexico to the old ways of having no trains. Their villainy is unmatched They sent like 3 horses after it before they realized their mistake. But it was only a ruse, they were on the train the entire time The only logical option was to destroy the bridge and set locomotive advancement back decades. The lady we rescued from the canyon prison is heading for the hills have eyes And I immediately missed a turn, overturned the stagecoach, and killed us both The police attempted to stop us using force What’s the line from that stupid song? Many men tried to take us and that many men were dead? Yeah, accurate. This was basically another stagecoach race mission just without anyone else in the race and I got to kill everyone I saw. For the 2nd time I made sure there were no witnesses, horses are notorious for snitching on the white man, and almost fell in that one hole again. Luisa had another job that required riding shotgun to a location where I had to save Reyes. This was tricky From this distance, seeing exactly which person was Reyes was difficult. I tried a few times to just take out all the guards at once but it never worked. Eventually, after a few failed attempts, I watched a YouTube of this mission instead of, you know, just using the sniper rifle to look at who I was supposed to shoot Why make things easy when you can make them difficult, as I used to say a few seconds ago Reyes was saved, I cut him loose, and we went to meet Luisa in a van down by the river They left, then I left, wiped out an entire bloodline’s worth of wolves, and had to wait for several hours for de Santa to wake up. I eventually got bored and just bought a house. See millenials, it’s not that hard It was all worth it because I finally got

to meet the Colonel who has the greatest mustache in this county De Santa and I rode to a small town and wiped out everyone inside, which was harder than it should have been. I was a bit low on ammo at the beginning, but that didn’t matter too much. There were just a lot of enemies to deal with, enough that I actually died a few times. The Captain demanded that I burn down a few buildings with the fire bottles There wasn’t anyone in the buildings so this doesn’t count against the challenge, which I’ve failed anyway already so it wouldn’t matter even if it did The next mission was a little rough. You’re working with some of Allende’s captains to fight through a large encampment of rebels It was so frightening that I burst into flames after falling onto a box that was on fire It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the number of rebels shooting at you, it doesn’t help that you don’t have a health bar, making it sometimes tough to tell just how close you are to dying. The worst of it came when we assaulted their base. Moving out from behind cover is tempting death and the rebels are so far away that landing headshots, or any shots in general, can be difficult. It’s not impossible, though. And after several minutes of sustained gunfire, and almost falling off the cliff, we cleared the castle, and I made use of the camp’s fast-travel system for the first time. Then, again, I had to wait for captain who gives a shit to wake up. I get that this makes the game world feel more real, like you’re interacting with characters who are alive and don’t exist only when you’re doing something for them, but I don’t find waiting in line to be fun Waiting at the DMV is not my idea of a good time Shortly after waiting, I quit the game for the day, came back, rode to my house, and slept away the night. I arrived right on time to catch de Santa doing something promiscuous and was informed of my next mission. I didn’t know it at the time, but this would turn out to be the worst one yet. The first problem is that we’re riding to town on a stagecoach but because there’s dialog, I can’t skip it. Then we got to the train station where I was told to man the machine gun. I wasn’t forced to, though, so there was not a chance in hell that I was going to use it The thing about this mission is that you’re not just killing everyone that comes after you, you’re defending the Train’s Engine So in addition to taking out everyone, you’ve also got to be quick enough that they don’t damage the engine. Wave after wave after wave are sent after you. Even if each one only does a little bit of damage, it adds up over time and results in failure. I also went into this mission with less than a third of my maximum ammo capacity. That became a problem real quick. I didn’t waste too much time after that, I quit the mission, stocked up on ammo, chewing tobacco and moonshine for Deadeye, and medicine to heal when necessary, and started the mission again I was more careful this time, using deadeye at all times to ensure waste as little ammo as possible. A headshot is still an instant kill, but even being as conservative as possible with my ammo, I almost ran out. The upside is that I’d gotten to the 2nd checkpoint and restarting from there restores of train’s health. I don’t get any ammo back, I have as much as I did when I got the checkpoint, but I’ll take all the help I can get. Almost 40 minutes after I started this mission, I killed the last enemy on the train. I wasn’t actually sure if that was it because it seemed to suddenly stop, so I stood in place, motionless, until we got to our destination Back at the colonel’s compound, I was told that Williamson and Escuella had been captured nearby. De Santa and I rode to town, I entered the church, and the big twist happened. The double-cross. But because this is a video game, they got sophisticated with the execution instead of just putting a bullet in my head at the church. Maybe they didn’t want to offend God or something. I wouldn’t have worried about that. If anything, I’d have done the opposite. I’d have killed myself in the church with them in it to cast a voodoo spell on them all Reyes, the same Reyes from earlier, saved me, I got my stuff back, fought my way through the soldiers, killed Captain Espinosa, and started working with Reyes. As we rode, he explained the plan. I’m stealing a train that’s being guarded my an army’s worth of men. You’re supposed to go in stealthily to avoid alerting anyone. The quietest weapon I have is my revolver, which is more than a little annoying. Clearing out the few men in front wasn’t too bad, getting into position to detach the train car prevents you from taking damage, but you still have to kill everyone else. That train is important, so they’ve got rifles and such for maximum effectiveness. There are also a few mounted machine guns that are capable of turning an entire family into swiss cheese in seconds Oh, and dying means you go back to before you detached the car. Because this is a game, my first attempt was the most successful After I died, it became significantly more difficult I had to play it safe and avoid being caught in the gaze of the machine gun lest I be ripped to shreds. It took some effort, but I got it and rode the train towards Valhalla. Once Ryes showed up, I started doing something outside of the game. I was gone for so long that my Xbox shutoff. Back in the game, I went to see what Luisa had for me to do, thinking that the Train Robbery mission was over. Her mission was another one of those where you’re given the opportunity to use something that isn’t a revolver. I, of course, did not heed that opportunity and instead made things more complicated Use the dynamite to blow up the wagons, the game says. It’ll be sweet, it says. You have to stop the army convoy, but you don’t necessarily have to use the dynamite. I had

the dynamite planted, but ran at the army convoy on foot with a handgun like a rabid ferret to eliminate them the easy way. All things considered, it was far easier than it should have been. Probably because I used a nice looking boulder as cover Revenge is a dish best served at a graveyard, which conveniently is where Captain de Santa is at. His friends tried to protect him while he ran. But as the saying goes: Captain de Santa is fast, but Big Bird is faster. I caught up to him on my horse, hogtied him, was oddly amused by the way his feet bobbled as I trotted back to camp, got Escuella’s location from him, put a bullet in each of his limbs, then finally his head, and the legend of Mexican Santa was no more He was an asshole to the end, the location he coughed up through the few teeth he had left was not the right place. The woman who told me that was rude to me and she is also dead. Thinking I had a new mission from Reyes, I returned to him. As we rode rode right merrily along, it slowly dawned on me what was happening This was the start of the mexican train robbery mission. This is where things might get controversial I already did most of this mission. You saw it, I lived it. I’m not doing it again I purposefully failed several times to get the option to skip the checkpoint, blew the train open, cracked the safe, gave Reyes the Denny’s coupon he was after, rode to the Prison with Reyes, and launched myself into orbit I finally found Escuella, he ran, as expected, I tied him up, my horse pissed me off by walking away from me, and the army came for the prison, or Escuella. I’m not sure which because it doesn’t matter. The cannon is primed for the firing, but it, like the machine gun on that train, is not required. I didn’t use it, got team killed by someone who has clearly never played hardcore team deathmatch, and spent several lives trying to get down off that tower without dying to get myself onto the ground. It was harder than you would’ve thought. The game really wants you to be on that cannon. That team-killer did most of the work while I was fighting on foot, delivered Escuella to the government men, and my time in Mexico had almost come to a close. But my work was still not done, not even close Reyes had been taken hostage and it was up to me to save him and his men with faces to help him fight his way to Allende’s fortress where Bill Williamson was hiding. There was a machine gun up for grabs that I didn’t use, seemed like something a lame loser would do. Running down the stagecoach was about as wild west in mexico as you’d think, but for some reason the guy down in front wouldn’t die. It was weird and frustrating. The stagecoach stopped when the horses died. I shot Allende right in the nose, killed Williamson, fast traveled to Armadillo, stocked up on supplies, bought myself a pale horse, and rode to Blackwater to meet some government fools. Had to wait again, fun times there Inside the fancy building, Edgar Ross and Archer Fordham, fuckin’ weird names, told me that my work has not over. Dutch, the former big cheese in the land of cheddar is held up on a boat nearby. I was given a neat new gun that I can’t use, got to ride in an automobile, and spent several minutes trying to get to the top of the boat because I’m stupid. Once I did, I uncovered my early birthday present, an informant named Nastas who had to be carried to safety. I accidentally used the Hi Powered Pistol because it was out by default, so I let myself die, made sure I had the Cattleman Revolver equipped, started blastin’, and we all made our escape like a big happy family where mom and dad both hate you, you hate them, and your uncle is passed out in the bathroom While Doctor Harold healed Nastas with his magic, we went up to the roof to lead the charge on Dutch. As I’m sure you could have probably guessed, doing this mission with a pistol instead of the sniper you’re given was not a fun time. I had less ammo than I would’ve liked and I couldn’t see where the enemies were inside the building. Deadeye could be used, but I was low on supplies to replenish it. Using the sniper to see where the enemies were didn’t work very well, by the time I switched back the the Revolver I couldn’t tell where they were anymore I attempted to get off the building multiple times with each attempt being a spectacular failure that resulted in both my death and failing the mission. Waiting for the last standing survivor to exit the building was the only option Dutch said howdy when I finally found him, but turned off some woman with his gun, fled through Bearclaw camp that was littered with neither bears or claws, and we somehow missed him. He had a 30 second head start at most, I have no idea how the hell he got away. But he did, I went inside a shop, saw “Press Y to Open Container” pop up and pressed it on instinct alone, spent some time in jail, and I left town with Nastas and Harold to travel to Cochinay This was, uh, not a pleasant experience. It’s platforming in an action western game. I hate it. Some insane miners sent a cart of dynamite down into their mine and ambushed us as we escaped, Nastas got shot in the hand and didn’t handle it like a man, I popped an eagle, and there was another instance of a non-revolver being required. This guy had to die. My idea was to sneak up behind him and hit him with the gun. It didn’t work. But after thinking for a while, I realized I could just use the lasso to subdue him A few tenths of a couple minutes later, Dutch shot my glasses, I blacked out, and was taken to the nearest Pokemon Center to recuperate From there, the Three Muskrats ride again, this time to Bear Claw Cabin to parlay with those wishing to settle things diplomatic

like. That didn’t really work out, Nastas got an owie, I wiped nature’s floor with the gang members, got Harold back to his office, and Dutch pulled an Anton Chigurh by showing up outside the hotel looking for his man He had snipers planted in high quality soil atop a few nearby rooftops. They were tricky to take out from a distance, but not impossible I got temporarily killed escorting Harold to the choo-choo tracks so he could leave town, and we said our goodbyes. True fact: Harold would one day make his way to New California, slip in a puddle of FEV in the early 2100s, and become a living tree man In Blackwater, Edgar explained that we were going to get Dutch the old fashioned way I hopped in the back of an armored car that had been armored with a machine gun, and we rode towards some place who’s name I do not know. I failed the mission when my finger slipped and I killed a friendly. There is no option to not use the machine gun and with the number of bandits shooting at you, there’s no chance that you can get through this without shooting anyone with the machine gun. There’s nothing extraordinarily difficult about this section, it’s like an on-rails shooter See a target, shoot the target, don’t die I did explode into a t-pose at one point, though. The truck was demolished by a drunk driver, so we headed out on foot. Specifically the foot of horses I, of course, took a shortcut through the forest. Roads are for suckers. Yeah, my horse fell off a cliff and died. I took his skin to keep his memory alive, ran on foot for a while because there’s a cool down, and arrived at Dutch’s camp. There are a lot guys to kill, but there are also a lot of guys on my side. Once the gate was blown open, I used logic and facts to destroy the idiot behind the gun, chased Dutch through the caves, and he took the easy way out. Edgar was a snob to me, he told me where my family was, and as the song played in the background, I rode home. To be honest, they all seem like terrible people, especially the boy I took the boy over the river and through the woods to Bonnie MacFarlane’s ranch to get some cattle from her. I still hate these cattle herding missions. Some rapscallions who were looking for trouble tried to steal me cows. Personally, I would have put them in the pit of torment for such crimes, but death is an acceptable alternative. Then a new problem: “Your family member is not here right now. Come back later”. Two possible missions are available and I can’t do either because neither person is here… EVEN THOUGH THIS IS WHERE THEY LIVE. WHERE ELSE COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE!? I went camping in a field, came back, woman was cooking something and suggested I scare away some birds. This is the kind of mission that would normally be nothing short of a cake walk. When your only weapon is a revolver, it’s not so simple. They’re such small targets and are moving so quickly that your only option for attacking them is Deadeye Once the birds were ready for the stew, I had three missions that couldn’t be started So I rode to Blackwater to buy some ammo, but it’s nighttime and the shops are closed After waiting for over 20 minutes, I went to the clothing store and accidentally opened that fucking chest again and went to jail, again. Then I got my ammo, went back home, started a mission with Jack, killed his horse because I thought it would be funny, and together we followed a small dog into the woods to look for Elk. Shoot, skin, go to town, sell skin, nothing complicated The next mission saw Jack and I following a small dog into the woods in search of much larger dogs that could no doubt kill us all They were wolves or coyotes. Not sure which They’re all dead from bullets so it don’t matter much now anyway. A letter came for me, the dumb woman couldn’t read it, so I read it to us both and together we rode back to the Fairlane Town Center to deliver some grain. That’s corn for you city folk The only stipulation here is the timer, but unless you ride the short wagon that won’t be a hinderance Back at the ranch, the boy was gone. He’d decided to succumb to the call of the wild and go live with the bears. I knew I had to get him back, which is why I broke out the big guns: Rufus. Yes, Rufus would not lead me astray. He led me straight to the bear territory we gifted to them some years back, I promptly dispatched of the bear, and saved the boy. He looked like the kind of loser who would say “gee whiz” un-ironically The last remaining set of missions came from Uncle. The cows were hungry for cow food, so we took them out for a stroll in the great american countryside. Almost all of them ran head-first into a train. Somehow many of them survived but were scattered, scared, and scathed Uncle rounded them up while I killed the men trying to steal the train and we led them to the pasture. I left me with the cows. I’m not sure what happened to the cows. I left them alone in the pasture and never saw them again Then we tracked down a group of horses, I mounted several of them, and that was that mission. I was engaging my son in mindless conversation when Uncle informed me that something was coming, something bad. I think I said something to the boy about going inside, locking the doors, and not coming out. It’s honestly hard to tell. Marston only said it like 50 times. The saying goes “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” but whoever came up with that got a few details wrong. It’s actually “Hell’s got nothing on that bitched named Edgar”. If he’d been in the hole where he belonged, he wouldn’t have been

able to lead the assault on my land Countless soldiers stormed the ranch and almost none of them carried revolver ammo on them They got closer when we retreated to the house, Uncle took a bullet to the chest and died Abigail, Jack, and I escaped the porch and fled for the barn. I was quite low on ammo, so I had to make every bullet count while also remembering to save one for me. Jack and woman got on the horse, I slapped that pony’s ass, they left, and I was alone in the barn I took a quick peek outside, lots of men with lots of guns. I swung the barn doors open, deadeye activated, I hit the wrong button, and got torn apart without ever firing a shot Edgar took his leave, boy and woman returned to find my corpse, I’m a ghost now, time passed, woman was dead, and that was that Almost. There’s one mission left. Boy spoke to a nerd in Blackwater in hopes of getting the location of Edgar Ross. The nerd had served his role in life, so Boy killed him, met Edgar’s wife, then his brother, and finally confronted Edgar. We are the Wild West, we settle things like simple folk: a duel. Boy had hoped to take out both his knees and elbows, but Edgar was spry even in his old age. Boy got got Boy respawned and was farther away than Boy would’ve liked. But Boy knew where Edgar was so Boy didn’t have to track him down again This time, Boy won the duel by storing one of his bullets in his Edgar’s for safe keeping, and I did not beat Red Dead Redemption with only a Cattleman Revolver