Lewis Black | "The Rant Is Due" From Napa CA (July 2014)
KATHLEEN: All right Well, for the moment, and the man you’ve all been waiting for, and The Rant Is Due, please welcome onstage, Mr. Lewis Black [applause and cheers] [whistles and cheers] – [mumbles indistinctly] This could all go horribly wrong at any minute So, let’s get a grip on it I’d like to tell the folks watching all over the country, the members of my fan club, and the others who’ve signed up for this and there are about 87 of them And I just want them to know and say that, you know, we didn’t start on time, and look, this is me doing television, okay? So, what the fuck did you expect? Let’s hear it for my friend Kathleen [cheers and applause] And what are you drinking there? – I don’t know Actually, they would be appalled, but I poured three tasting flights in one And I made up my own I don’t really care about what it tastes like That’s not the point I’ll unscrew the bottle and leave, okay So, I don’t… I don’t know I mean, I think they’re all, you know, red They’re all red I don’t know That’s it And there’s no beer in there because there’s a beer wine they make here Yeah. I mean, two of my favorite things You can’t… you know, don’t fuck that up Leave them separate and alone So, I’m having a little wine while you work – LEWIS: Yeah – Yeah – It just irritates me that she gets to drink and I don’t, during the show – This is my version of heaven I sit here and watch you work, and I read funny things – Yeah, and I can’t drink, because then, the anger becomes real – My Mom’s a member of your fan club I was appalled She gave you $20 She’s never given me $20! “I joined Lewis’s Fuck U University” So hi to my Mom, and – And was she able to get it? Online? – No – LEWIS: She just – She just felt bad for you She’s like, “Well, is anybody signing up?” I go, “I don’t know, Mom It’s all new.” “Well, I’ll help him.” So she just gave you $20 I’ve never gotten a dime from my mother – My mother, I’m hoping, is watching She’s 95… [cheers] And she… and the rest of you nothing, huh? Aw, yeah, you live out here to 140 Fuck her! But trying to talk to her today after, you know, trying to get her online It was brutal It was brutal I mean, she just, you know, “I don’t know how to do it! No, son, I don’t know how to do it.” Well, just “I tried! I tried to do it!” No, but, you know, just do this Now leave it the way it is Just leave it there Just leave it like that Just [yelling] “It went away!” Well, that’s ’cause it’s sleeping, the computer is sleeping “Well, why does the computer need to sleep, Lewis?” So it was long It was a long afternoon So I’m hoping… I told her to go downstairs Both my folks are in an assisted-living situation Oh boy, and they I said go down and talk to some of the and get one of the people downstairs to come up for 5 minutes to help you [yelling] “They don’t know anything about computers!” Mom, they’re all working with computers They’re all under the age of 40 Every one of them knows how to [yelling] “They don’t know shit about computers!” I said just, just because you have an attitude Look, separate the attitude you have toward them as people and just use them as a fount of information And then, she went to sleep – Do you think she’s up now? – Oh, boy. Yeah This is when – It’s late on the East Coast – This is when the sparks start flying with my mother My mother can’t sleep at night because she’s trying to rearrange the universe in her own image – And you can’t wake my mother up because she’s had 8 Lunesta, but I’m not supposed to say that on TV She’s afraid the doctor won’t give her any more
– Well, this is really to be honest, the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, and I dragged her into it, and I have a number of other folks We are literally there’s a satellite that we are beaming to that’s 23,000 miles away, and then, it’s fucking going somehow because people are fucking watching on a phone It doesn’t… it’s beyond my fucking comprehension We’ve done these shows where I’ll just read the questions that the audience submits, and I thought, what a nice thing to do to inevitably open it up to the audience And a third of the answers every time you know, every time I get the things back, a third of them is, [yelling] “Why are you asking me to write shit for you?” It’s like I didn’t need to know my audience this well KATHLEEN: Well, they do say, Lew, your fans are a reflection of your act Maybe you’ll want to think about that by yourself for a moment in the corner For as angry as you are, I don’t know why they would expect anything different “Fuck you, you prick!” You should see what they’re writing now They’re mad now They’re angry now They’re writing angry little things ’cause we started late Yeah – Yeah. Oh, I know Well, I’ve been through fucking what do they expect? – They have shit to do, Lew! – [yelling] I don’t have a site Do I know how the fuck it takes time to get that shit up to the satellite? – Well, they’re in their pajamas And they’re comfortable, and nothing was fucking happening, and – [yelling] Well, we’re on now! – Well, they don’t know who else to tweet about it So you’re getting the complaints You should’ve had a complaint box – Yeah – Cracker Barrel does I don’t know why you couldn’t think of it [chuckles] – Well, let’s get this started Let’s do this – Okay – So, let’s go KATHLEEN: Let’s get started. Okay First up, we have Curt Van Bronchorst – Hi, Curt Curt, where are you from? – I’m here from Napa, California – That’s good So, what – It is good It’s a good place Social media Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and the like Do they represent the future of global communications, or the end of civilization as we know it? – Both Really Facebook crossed the line When Facebook… I don’t know if you heard, but Facebook basically recently did this thing where they decided that they were going to do a little social experimentation, and they would send people messages and see how they fucking react to a happy message or a sad message which is…and [mumbles] [yelling] No! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get just because you have a group of people show up on that fucking site which I fucking have never liked Facebook They don’t…they said, “Oh, it’s in our by-laws.” You know, it’s in that fucking terms and agreements things Nobody, nobody’s ever read the whole fucking terms and agreements thing Nobody’s got that kind of energy Nobody’s got that kind of goddamn eyesight It’s this fucking big! It’s 30 pages long! There are no pictures! I’ve never even been have you been to Pinterest? I don’t even know what the fuck it is! – No – I know what it is LEWIS: What is it? – It’s… well, from what I can tell, I don’t really do it I just look at it sometimes [Lewis grunts] [chuckles] It’s just pictures of shit other people like [chuckles] So like if you said, “I [indistinct]”, and you put like a steak on there, I’m like oh, you know, maybe I’ll have a steak I don’t know, it’s something to avoid doing taxes It’s just another thing that I can go, “Oh, this is really important.” – But what’s the difference between that and Instagram and what… and Instagram is now becoming bigger than Facebook? I’m like fucking out of the loop with this shit, and I take shitty pictures So, I’m fucked! But what’s that? How come, how come we can’t see the other eye? What is that? Is that…don’t fucking you fucking fuck! [laughs] [applause] Yeah, and then the poor people and then if you do, how do you feel when you send something out that you really think is important and you want people to like it, and nobody fucking likes it? You’re the only asshole who likes it It’s like being in high school again, on a weird fucking level It is! It’s like, oh, I saw what you did today Come on! – You’re starting to like Twitter a little bit – I like Twitter, but I’m not good You’re good at Twitter
There are people like comics who are great at Twitter It’s great for one-liners, 140 characters But 140 characters, I– I– my jokes don’t start until [mumbles] tomorrow – Well, when we first got on, I was reading this thing because I got him drunk enough that I made him an account and said, you’re on it now – Yes – You’re gonna participate, and he was just answering people’s serious questions “When are you going to appear in Omaha?” Probably in the fall of 2015 I’m like you’re missing it here [chuckles] They can look at your goddamn schedule Now it’s getting better though You’re getting better – Yeah. I learned how to re-tweet That makes it fucking easy You just get a Twitter thing Somebody says, “Oh, it’s fun to be at the circus,” and you just fucking send it out again – Well, and then, you actually had a very valid question, I go, well, I get all my news from here And he goes from who, and I said, “Well, you know, CNN, and then sometimes, it’s just people.” And he goes, “Well, how do you know it’s true?” I said, “I don’t, but I don’t care, I guess.” Like so what if I thought John Bon Jovi was dead? Well, he’s not dead So it’s a happy day I don’t know. Who cares? I don’t care – But [indistinct] to be just too fucking intellectual to be fucking funny It’s social media It’s not fucking media! This is media That is media, okay? But everything else is fucking typing Okay? It’s typing! Typing into space is what it is You can’t call typing into space media because you put a picture fucking up there, that doesn’t make it a goddamn media A newspaper is media This is like a collection of fucking scrapbooks and shit Thanks a lot. Thank you [applause and cheers] – Okay All right We now have Andrew Miller – Lewis, I come here representing all gay people in this world [cheers] Any gays? Any gays? Nobody? Okay, we have some Okay On behalf of all the gay people, would you make a great gay man? – I have to say that in many ways, I um, I um I do…I kind of have that gay thing going in cer- look, I was in theater until I was 40, okay? That is as gay a place as you could possibly be outside of the baths That is where every gay person just [mumbles] went there to hide It was the biggest closet So I wrote plays That’s about as fruity as it can be I listened to more show music than you can imagine I can actually go through pretty much nine major musicals tonight and do all of the lyrics Kathleen would pick up the slack on the Sound of Music KATHLEEN: I got that card He doesn’t like it because of the Nazis and all that LEWIS: Yeah, it’s upsetting – And that’s why I can’t stop watching it because I’m afraid for those nuns – So, I spent an inordinate amount of time hanging out at the cologne section of any major department store, I just wander around I have lotions that would they’re secret lotions Secret lotions which make my skin youthful and invigorated and hydrated I have bath soaps I can’t believe I’m fucking saying this! But I do! But I think as far as being gay where the wheels would fall off would be that when it came that point, that I’d have to fuck somebody that looked like me [applause] – You’re gonna get a lot of lotions brought to the show now because they’ll say, “Oh, he likes bath soaps.” All right. Standing right here, we have Mr. Kevin Murphy Fine Irish name – Um, why do absurdly rich people like Oprah and Bill Gates love little small children yet hate public school teachers so much? – Wow! Do they? – Oh yeah! – Oprah hates public school children? – No, public school teachers I’m sorry – Public school teachers – Sorry – Dummy public-school teachers – She hates children!
Just throw that out on the internet Stream that “Oprah hates children.” Not really, but we thought we’d throw that out – Yeah, that would be good It’s a good thing that the 70-something people who are watching will go, “Oh, that’s fine I always knew that.” KEVIN: No, they don’t like public school teachers – What fuck do they say about public school teachers? I don’t…well, if they do, they’re fucking idiots That’s the lifeline My mother…my mother was a public-school teacher [applause] My mother was an extraordinary teacher She was absolutely brutal when she taught, and she taught where I went to school She was a substitute teacher So, it’s fucking you know, imagine that I am lucky I don’t have a permanent case of asthma People expect public school teachers to take some sort of a shit salary as if they’re like Mother Theresa or that’s something you should do “Gee, I wonder why teachers aren’t good.” Well, you…you want good teachers, [yelling] you fucking have to pay for somebody! You don’t bother people, but you pay a CEO, “Oh, we need him, and it’s 23 million dollars.” The idea of giving a teacher a really good living wage so that when they have to buy the fucking, you know, shit for arts and crafts because the school isn’t… tax, there’s not enough of a tax base to get it so that they can go out and buy that, they buy the stuff, and anyone who thinks– and I’ve heard this time and again and you’re an idiot if ever this comes out of your mouth, “Oh boy, they get the summer off.” [yelling] The fucking summer off? They’re working 10 hours a day, 12 hours a day They’re doing shit you’d never do! They’re sitting there, fucking grading papers The fucking papers, like not one of you could get through one of them The fucking 8-year-old– “the forest nice, good, plant.” That’s the kind by the time you get to the end of the sentence, you’ll be going, “fuck this kid.” Kind of a fucking and you’ve got to teach them [yelling] There’s not a verb near this kid’s brain! And meanwhile, there’s shit on that paper that if you touch it, you could get cholera from some of this stuff Anyone who doesn’t respect the public-school teachers is a dick! [applause and cheers] There’s a punchline for you KATHLEEN: Yeah! That was a good one Okay, Kim, I’m going to have a tough time with your last name You say it – You say it like a coolchicky That’s how you say it – Oh? Oh, Kim Coolchicky, ladies and gentlemen, has a question Wow, what a great last name – What a tremendous last name – Coolchicky That’s great – That’s not what it looks like, but that’s how you say it – No, it looks like a scrabble board with drunks It’s like if I was drunk and tried to make a word – So, I’ve been in California a long time I’m just wondering, do you think you’d be less angry if you ate gluten-free? – I still don’t even know what gluten the fuck is I’ve made no attempt at any time to find out what gluten is or why it’s there, and it’s in shit apparently that I like So, I like that shit already If you took the shit that I like out of the things that I like, I would fucking anger wouldn’t even begin no, it wouldn’t make me fucking I would not gluten-free? I would be crazy I’d be going in the house going [yelling] “Give me a gluten! Give me a fucking gluten!” Where did it come from? All of a sudden, people are like, “Oh boy, I really you know, I feel better since I don’t have gluten.” [yelling] Who the fuck makes this shit up? [cheers and applause] KATHLEEN: This is Shirley Campbell – You have such a commonsense approach to the world Why haven’t you run for public office? [cheers] – [laughs] I think we just saw why! “Wow! Did you see the guy from our district lose it on C-SPAN today?” “I love that guy!” – I don’t even like to go to fucking meetings
I really don’t I don’t like meetings I don’t like people who got into politics I’ve worked as a kid in political campaigns By the time I was 15, I went, “these fuckers are creepy.” They are They’re a creepy group of fucks They fucking have and during the course of my life, they fucking have lost any sense of what leadership is A lot of these people need to go to leadership camp You fucking you want to speak to people, you fucking talk to people People bitch at me because I swear too much, but I can fucking guarantee you a lot of my shit gets through [applause] And they’re up there pontificating and so, and I and blah, blah, blah It’s amazing I don’t like dealing with them I have no platform My only platform is to use all of the military money in the United States to take over Tahiti I want that country I want us to own it It’s the greatest country I’ve ever been in We deserve that country! There is no reason Let’s stop this pokin’ around in the Middle East nation-building There’s a nation Fucking grab it! Especially if I was like the president You’d never see me It’s be like “Where’s Lewis?” The one thing I’d be as a president, you’d never have to worry about me bothering you I’d never fucking bother you I’d just be gone No, I’d just say look at Kathleen’s Twitter feed today – Yeah. [chuckles] This is it “President Black is golfing and will not be in touch.” I could do it I could make it funny, kind of You know? All right That’s a good question – That was great Thank you – Thanks, Shirley All right [applause] Coming up next, we have Mr. Kevin Stern Kevin, come on up Kevin put on real shoes for the event – I did! – Well done – Hey, Kevin – So, in previous shows, you’ve ranted about people who say that America is the best country when they’ve never been anywhere else So, my question is, I’d like to know of the countries you’ve been to, which do you think are the best and the worst and why – Like my good friend Kathleen, I love Ireland I think Ireland is spectacular – It is It’s just like Hawaii Except with alcoholics and no fruit LEWIS: Yeah – Which is right up my alley Keep the fruit I’m not eating the fucking fruit anyway – And they don’t give a fuck about health KATHLEEN: They don’t give a fuck about anything And that’s why we felt comfortable there – Yeah. I do It’s one of the most relaxed places I’ve ever been in my life You fuck up, they go, “Oh, well, who cares. Ha, ha Here’s a show anyway.” – We got so lost We were supposed to be at this golf course and we were going to miss the tee time and I called, and in the west of Ireland, their accent is so thick, it literally is like a leprechaun picked up the phone And I can’t hear well anyway, and [mimicking Irish accent] I said, “Well, we have a tee time and we’re really late; we’re lost.” And [mimicking] “Ah, collect yourself Get some coffee, [indistinct] We’ll see you when we see you, [indistinct].” Click, and I go, “I don’t know I think she said collect ourselves and get a map.” But they didn’t even care Like we just showed up when we showed up and – Yeah, they were thrilled to see us They even let us fucking you go to like a major golf course in the United States, it’s like, “You better be here on time; we got the tee time for you, you fucking son of a bitch You better show up or we’re gonna charge you double!” Well there, they actually we went out and it was so shitty out, we just went, “Well, we’re not going to be able to play”, and they said, “Well, come back tomorrow.” And this was like a fucking, it’s like this was a golf course that you could define as a museum It’s been there for like 250 ever since golf was fucking invented! But I like Ireland, I like the Netherlands I’ve performed there a ton People speak English, and they speak nine languages They speak every fucking language, and they really don’t, I realized finally, after working with them and spending time with them They just do something that many of our leaders do They just look confident and just say shit They literally do, and then you go, “Wow, that’s extraordinary They didn’t answer my question but I’m just so stunned that they came out with a paragraph that was fucking brilliant, but I still don’t know how to get to the goddamn diner.” – Canada We liked Canada – I love Canada
[cheers] I do. I love the Canadians They are really funny, goddamn it And you know what’s great about performing for them? You know what’s tremendous? They watch us all the time I go up there to perform, I don’t have to worry about an audience member being a Democrat or a Republican, or somebody from the Tea Party They fucking just jump to the fucking joke They don’t sit there going, “Well, I don’t know, what do you think?” They laugh ha, ha, ha! Yeah, so those, and Tahiti But Tahiti is my favorite Tahiti is fucking the king of the world – What about the worst? – The worst? Pshew! Newark Newark’s pretty bad That’s a country Seems like a country when I go there from New York The worst Oh, shoot KATHLEEN: Well, Afghanistan LEWIS: Oh, yeah. That’s true I keep forgetting since we really didn’t just go, “Hey, hey, Kathleen, I’ve got a great idea Why don’t we have a golf out with AM Afghanistan?” Afghanistan is a hellhole I mean, an utter hellhole Not for the people who live there They’ve lived there for thousands of years They kind of get it They like it The other thing with Afghanistan is, and this is a reason, a real good reason probably why we shouldn’t have gone in there in the first place, okay? They actually don’t have any type of indoor plumbing, and so what they do is, they build a big hole, and they bring their shit to the hole and they burn it KATHLEEN: Yeah – So, we’re at a base there and I can’t was it Bagram? I forget which base we were at They all kind of and we’re standing there, and when the wind comes a certain way, you just smell shit for like hours One of the stories that I was told while we were on our journey was that the village leader who lived on the top of the hill, they were going to give him indoor plumbing And then, they went back to check after they’d installed all this, and he’d completely wrecked it, and turned it back into like the normal shit can where he would have to take the shit and Look, if people don’t have indoor plumbing, I say, [blows raspberry] you don’t fight them There is no way you can win That’s how come when you don’t care about the fact that the shit smell is in the fucking air, that’s a country you don’t want to fuck with These people are not people to be fucked with [applause] That was a life changer for me The only thing that came as close was LSD I’m serious! Every moment that I was there, every moment was totally unique and different and absolutely shocking on levels that I could never imagine If we’re going to spend our time worrying about Benghazi, if we’re going to spend our time worrying about whether this guy Bergdahl is a traitor or not, then you put in all of that energy is what I believe, into making sure that the VA hospitals work and that everyone [cheers and applause] And everyone, everyone who’s come back from this war, and every war that we’ve been in, should get whatever it is that we have to make their lives easier It’s ridiculous! – Hear, hear! [applause] – Good one – Yeah. Thank you – All right Coming up next, oh, I got this one I can say it right Jay Hauser, actually – How you doing, boss? LEWIS: Yeah – So, my question is, you’ve written over 40 plays, yet none of us could name one Were any of them any good? – That hurt my soul – Didn’t matter Didn’t matter if they were good or bad Didn’t matter Didn’t matter Didn’t matter a lick I sent them out I don’t know if they were ever read I think a lot of people took the plays and went [facial gestures] like that Some of them were used as Handi-Wipes If you’re thinking of becoming a playwright, and if you are, you might want to slit your wrists first But this is a tip If you want your play read, [mumbles] the fastest way to do it is to find a bottle, put the play in the bottle, cork it and then throw it in either the river or the ocean Eventually, someone will find it, and I guarantee whoever fucking gets that play, they’re going to read it
That’s the way you get a play read Until 40, I wrote plays, and I did it in order to see what it would be like to have the income of a crack whore And eventually though, there is a play that actually is published now, and was done four times in the last two years and has gotten some very nice reviews, and my friend Mark Linn-Baker from Perfect Strangers was in it and was brilliant, and it did quite nicely And now, this play, which was written initially 35 years ago it took me 35 fucking years of reworking this play to finally get it published What my big hope was that by getting it done, that I could become a drama teacher, that that’s what I would get out of it I could teach at a college, preferably a small southern girls’ school where they where they’d never met a Jewish man before, and it took 35 years to get that done And when I wrote it, I wrote it as a commercial play for Broadway, and now it’s– it’s– it’ll never be on Broadway, ever, because people consider it too old-fashioned That’s– that’s my life in playwrighting Fucking play, my most successful play, the play that I thought was going to make me a playwright is now considered too old-fashioned It would have been nice if they’d done it back then, and now it would be considered old-fashioned But no, I actually had it done and I got it done in some places where old-fashioned is still okay because people like to go ha-ha-ha, tee-hee-hee, ha-ha-ha But I’m thrilled that I was lucky enough to get really that they didn’t like my plays so that I could actually have a career – All right [applause] You know, you could also instead of calling it old-fashioned, you could call them retro and try to be cool, but – Retro? – Yeah. Just say, all my plays are retro and it costs a lot of money People are like, “Oh, dude, what’s that?” And you’re like, “It’s retro I can’t tell you You just have to pay for it.” – But you should make some extra money on the side as my fucking playwrighting agent – Yeah. Well, I would do that I could sell a play Okay Am I right? Is this Terry? – Yes – Terry Scafida? – Scafidi – Scafidi – Yes My question is, were you a handful as a child, and how often did your mother beat you? – She still is, ladies and gentlemen She still is – I was a handful I was colicky, and I could get out of the little playpen that we had back then Now they have things probably like tire irons they wrap around the kids, made out of Play-Doh or other shit and they can tie them up, and it’s safe My mother would put me in a playpen At four months, I’m over fuck the playpen I’m gone. I’m out It’s a prison You’re not holding me prisoner I’m not going to be captive to your bullshit They would wake up in the night My mother goes, “I can’t fucking believe this You’re 3 years old, you’ve gotten under the goddamn sink, you’ve pulled out the shoe polish and you’re polishing” you know, my dad’s black shoes, I’m polishing them white At the age of 3 Fucking unbelievable shit I was doing All of this I was doing really great shit and I should be more today than just a comic But no, my mother– I’ll tell you, this will give you a sense– my mother never beat me She didn’t have to She had a verbal mechanism that could make the North Koreans proud And I was kept in a cage in my mind I’m sorry you didn’t laugh harder at that That’s fucking funny! Okay? Seriously Obviously, you all had wonderful mothers They were just the milk of human fucking kindness Well, goody for you! I mean, I think it was great for me She was really I mean, she fucking is like she’s still going at 12,000 miles an hour in that brain She’s still scared of her – Oh, yeah, I’m petrified I just say hello, great, love you, gotta go, Lew totally has a lot of problems, absolutely, and I just walk away I know, he’s not living up to his potential, Jeannete, I agree All right Coming up, we have Marissa I could do it I know, right? I went to Catholic school I think they taught me how to read – Calitonio – Calitonio! You didn’t give me a chance, Marissa – Sorry! – That’s all right
Ray I got the last name, it’s Ray – Hi, Marissa – Hi, Lewis Do you think you’d be funnier if you were a woman? I love you, by the way They asked for my number so they have it I’m just putting that out there – Well, thank you Would I be funnier if I were a woman? If I were a woman, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t literally, I have to say that sometime after my first period, I would basically I think if I were a woman and– and– and- I’ve thought about this a lot If I was 11 or 12, and I began to have my period, I would…that would drive me into autism MARISSA: Okay – I don’t think I’d be funny I think I would be like rubbing my head on the couch and trying to talk to the TV I think I’d be fucked, and then the other stuff that comes along with it, and if I had cramps like some of the girlfriends that I’ve had and that whole fucking that premenstrual shit, fuck, I would… I would fucking by then I’d be in jail, okay I would kill people Seriously I would, and especially people who ate gluten – Ah-ha! Bam! All right Um, I like this one Lewis and I golfed at the very nice it’s a public course down the way called the Chardonnay Golf Course, and it says, “Between you and Kathleen, who is more likely to mark down a 4 when they scored a 7 on a par 3?” – Neither of us would do that – No LEWIS: Neither of us would do that because we just take our punishment That’s part of the reason I play She would actually get a 4 because she is a really good fucking golfer, and it’s really irritating It’s irritating because you just go, “Fuck, I’ll never be as good as her!” and I won’t be But what’s really great is when she and I go out to play golf and we get like two fucking guys who come in and they got like, you know, the $3,000 bag, and they’re like, “Fuck it, I can play golf I’ve spent $12,000 on these clubs I got a club that actually shaves my balls.” And they’ll now get out there and they’re hitting from like the black tees and they’re like fuck, and they hit it like 18 yards I’m hitting from the white tees I hit from the women’s tees, if somebody fuck, I’d wear a dress to hit from the women’s tees And when we were in Ireland together, golfing, and I hit from the women’s tees on many an occasion because I did not give a it was so fucking hard, I just felt awful I said, [mumbles] where you hit, and I would cry a little and they let me do it But those pricks will do that, and then they’ll fucking be all over the place, and she’s like bump, bump, bump, five Bump, bump, bump, and then you can just watch how fucking it drives them nuts KATHLEEN: Well, neither one of us has the energy to cheat because when we fuck up, we just go, “Give me an 8” and get back in the cart Like we don’t care enough I don’t care enough to cheat – Yeah KATHLEEN: But the best one was in Ireland because Lewis was having he can play really well on certain days, and then, other days, he’s just like a monkey with some sort of bizarre disease that hasn’t been diagnosed Like, it would be named after him where limbs just kind of work, and only for the day though So, it’s not Lou Gehrig’s Like it’s just a weird phenomenon And they said, “We’re going to give you guys a senior caddy, blah, blah, blah,” and this dude hopped out of a hut like a leprechaun, and his name was Shamus Like everything just added up perfectly, and he was a little 75-year-old dude and we were golfing and Lewis really doing poorly And he looked at me and he goes, “Collect yourself, Lewie I’m going to go with Kathleen now Take a moment.” And he walked over to me and I went like, “You just put a 65-year-old man in timeout.” You fucking took his clubs away and left him standing in the rough with nothing, just his coat, just his jacket and his soul You just stand there and fucking think about how goddamn poorly you’re playing I was like I’ve never seen anything like it [grunts and mumbles] I said, “Shamus, if we walk this course” (because we were walking), “just out of curiosity, how far is it? I want to know how much I exercised today?” He goes, “Well, for you, Kathleen, to walk, I feel about 7 miles For your friend Lewie, somewhere between 20 and 25.”
[applause] Okay Wow, this is Eric McDonald Did I say that right? – Yes, you did – Yeah, all right Where are you from? – Silicon Valley – Oh, Silicon Valley – Silicon Valley – So, you’ve got a good job – Wow! – Uh – You don’t have a good job? You’re dressed like you do Those are fancy shoes All right. Go ahead – So, Lewis, first of all, thank you for what you do My question is, who is your favorite Republican? – Hillary Clinton – [applause and cheers] – [whistles] – Uh, okay. Next up, we have Ellen Chang – Hi. How are you? – I’m good. Where are you from? – I’m actually from here, from Napa – Wow, that’s good – Oh, thank you So, my question is, what are your thoughts on legalizing marijuana for medical purposes? – I think legalizing marijuana for my purposes I, um, I don’t I seriously don’t smoke anymore because [applause] You can’t applaud that! Oh, son of a bitch! That’s not applausable That’s oh boy, he stopped smoking marijuana because he smoked so much fucking marijuana it didn’t work anymore You can’t applaud it It wasn’t like a choice, okay I didn’t say, “Son of a bitch! I’m going to quit this shit.” It’s not like Alcoholics Anonymous where I had to walk away I’m fucking [inhales deeply] and [yelling] nothing! Then I smoked the new stuff and it scared the fuck out of me But there’s some folks I know down in Santa Cruz who’ve come up with pot wine, and that, you fucking, I love that shit! That’s, that’s the best of two worlds That’s really And nobody’s ever going to commit a crime on it because you’re basically uh, no This is fine I don’t give a shit But Berkley just basically said now– did you read that– that 2% or something of the marijuana, you know, in the dispensaries has to be given free to the homeless And it’s just like… no, no! You just don’t you know, if someone has a medical condition, yes, but gee, there are people part of the reason they’re wandering around is because we closed the mental institutions because it was a really good idea Let’s just fucking close them up and go, “Hey, good luck Good luck Be whoever you want to be, ha-ha-ha.” So, I just don’t think [mumbles], I don’t think they thought this fucking thing through But I believe in medical marijuana I’ve seen it work on people I think it’s absolutely stupid that we have something that we don’t pay attention to in terms of its properties It’s fucking unbelievable! Even if they just took a year and said, we’re not going to do it for a year, and fucking gave it to all of the doctors who are around and said, okay, let’s see what really works and what doesn’t work You know, they’re finding out in some cases, lighting it is like stupid Lighting it up doesn’t work as well as grinding it up and fucking drinking it in a smoothie And don’t think I’m not thinking about that You know, but there’s all sorts of ways that this drug’s never been looked at Fucking and you don’t say that How fucking stupid to have something that you know is helping people medicinally and you, “Well, you know, people might smoke it.” And what? [yelling] So fucking what! It might what? What? Go eat more shit? Oh boy, he had two gallons of ice cream tonight It’s been horrifying It’s horrifying! No. Something’s gotta give! And the same thing Hemp. Hemp [yelling] Hemp is fucking you make rope out of it! People make clothing out of it! We don’t fucking we made it illegal because it looks like marijuana! [yelling] We’re just about as dumb a group of fucks as it comes So yeah, I think there should be medical marijuana
[cheers and applause] – I think this is one we should go out on – Go where? – Go. We’ll be done, and you can have some wine – Argh! – Yeah, exactly Seriously You know, everybody, because I’ve known him for a very long time, and I like “Lewis is so angry”, and I’m like, “Yeah, but you know, this, he’s very passionate about things, but in real life, he’s very normal.” Really, he’s like a giant black lab dog Where he just barks out crazy things, and it’s usually food-related I walked, me and Ben, the guy who’s in charge of all this We walked out of the clubhouse with things in our hands and I hear from a parking lot, [yelling] “Is that breakfast?” Simmer down, dude We got you a fucking taco We got you a breakfast burrito I just want to see if you remember “How did you and Kathleen meet?” I know – I was in a Hobby Lobby store I was looking for glue to sniff – So was my mother – We met, Kathleen and I met I was performing at Catch a Rising Star in Chicago, Illinois Really one of the great a really great club at the time, and it was one of my first times really where I was a headliner now, and Kathleen was the opening act And we just immediately had an affinity to each other’s comedy, and to the fact that there was a giant fucking bar upstairs that was like six miles long with ladders They had so much liquor– only Chicago– they could reach to the sky – It did And it went to heaven It went to heaven – And they had every type of and it was way back before it was big, was single-malt Scotches Every one of them They had just tons of them [clapping] That’s the sound of alcoholics in need And Kathleen and I would sit at that bar, and over the course of the week, we became very good friends – And here was the kicker though You said, “I want that Scotch that’s way up there.” And I go, “You’re seriously going to make that guy climb?” And you go, “I’m gonna make him do it, but I’m gonna tip him a lot… to fucking do it.” And then you said, “I hope on the way up, he knocks the Christmas tree over.” And the bartender did it Remember? He got…and I said, “It’s dusty and shit I don’t think you want that Like it’s in the ceiling.” And you go, “No.” That’s when I knew he was nuts, and I’m like, this guy is cray, cray fun He’s like, “I wanna drink the dusty shit.” And the guy climbed all the way to the top, all the way back down, and that’s when I was like, all right, he was pretty cool; probably call him back – Yeah, and that was our summer vacation – Yeah No! That was heaven And you say it doesn’t exist Well, guess what – And the important thing, the real link, what it is that keeps us together is that Kathleen and I seriously enable each other on levels you can’t imagine [applause] We’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight [applause and whistles] We’d like to thank all of you watching us on TV Or on whatever you’re watching us on Ladies and gentlemen, Kathleen Madigan [applause and cheers] [whistles] [♪♪♪] – It’s unbelievable!